Intro
I have always felt that I had another face inside me. I could always feel it's resistance within me. Today, I learnt about that voice. Loud and clear. It was disguised as my voice all along. I just couldn't tell my narcissist voice from my own voice. My pure voice has always been stronger in me, and I have been able to control the evils of narcissistic behavior for the most part, but there were things I was doing without recognizing my inner self.
I have been talking to Alice for a while about my therapy, and how I have been getting better. She came back from her parents place last week, and her mom had been her usual self, and really irritated Alice deeply, and she was loosing her temper very easily. We got into a few arguments over the weekend, and then she calmed down a little. I started wondering why her mom would treat her own child in such a bad fashion. I started researching, and found out that her mom is a narcissistic mother. As I read the description, I was shocked at how accurately it described her. I told my Alice about the discovery, and felt incredibly bad for her. I wanted to be there for her and support her in every way possible. Alice cooled down her anger towards me, and said, "where does your ego come from?" in a rhetorical fashion. It seemed like she had been trying to analyze me and figure it out all this time. She asked me that same question two days ago more directly, and I replied "God!". But, later with a cool mind, I thought, where does it really come from? I didnt have an answer. And then I realized I had been lying to myself all along, and I heard that voice that lies to me from within me. That voice knew I caught him red handed, and said, don't worry, it might be a lie, but the good coming out of it is much greater than the cost of the lie. I was convinced by that argument. This morning, I was watching a documentary on narcissism out of curiosity, and noticed I had many of the traits, and then it made sense right away. That voice I discovered was the inner narcissist within me. It was always there. I always felt it, and today, I found it. I felt like Bruce Willis from the sixth sense in a truly cathartic moment.
Me, the narcissist
I described myself this morning as a narcissist(my bad guy) whose personality is controlled by his anxiety (my good guy's weapon). Anger is the good guy's Achilles heel, and can give control to the narcissist. I have known for a long time that I am able to make people cry if I really wanted to, but I have rarely used this side. I have only used it if I am attacked. I have never used it unfairly (I hope, but I know I am weak). My mom told me I was over confident many times while I was young, perhaps, this is what she was talking about. Later today, I found that this is actually a thing, and it is called 'covert narcissism', a personality disorder. I have a personality disorder.
Mirror, mirror.. Off the Wall!
The internet described people with this condition as evil people. The perception is extremely negative, and they are accused of being manipulative, and portrayed as people who plan out their actions to serve their own need through manipulative practices, while appearing to be angels on the surface. It was the perspective of the person who experienced the narcissist, but the perspective of the 'covert narcissist' was not to be found. Having lived with this voice my whole life, I have come to observe a few qualities of the voice.
The Voice is extremely smart. He thinks many steps ahead, and disguises selfish plans by starting off with noble actions. I sometimes know my future with great conviction. I get a deep feeling, and I hear myself predict my future in a stern and loud way. This has happened a few times to me, and it has always been right. I was initially curious about this stern demeanor, but then I started noticing a pattern. The voice guides me to my self predicted future over time. And this future I predicted to myself guides me to my deeply selfish plans. Many years before I had a girlfriend or even knew I wanted a relationship, I felt I "knew" with complete conviction that I will marry a future girlfriend.
