Hey Ana,
You're still here, like you said you would be. I feel this pain in my stomach, it feels like someone is punching me. I'm hungry. But you say no. I can't eat because that's not what is good for me. That I need to keep seeing the numbers go down.
You're telling me that I'm not enough. That I'll never never enough without you and everything you're putting me through. That I need you in order to be loved.
You're voice screaming over and over in my head as I lay in bed crying. Crying because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to satisfy you. You like it. You like me lying to my parents about what I ate. You like when they yell at me. You like the fact that I'm disappointing everyone.
You say that you love me and that this is what I need. That it's not that bad, counting calories and exercising is normal. That starving yourself to the point you think you're going to pass out every couple minutes is okay. You say it's all going to be okay because soon I'll be enough.
You tell me to isolate myself. To push them all away. Because no one will understand. That they will try to change my mind and I can't let that happen. They won't be there for me, they won't understand that I need to this. You say this is how it has to be. That all I need is myself and you. So I do. I push them away. Farther and farther hoping no one will notice.
I'm doing everything you say, so I can be enough. But no matter what, I know you will keep saying that I need to do more. Because guess what, I already knew I would never be good enough.
-me
