Dates! There was something about dates that made me hold on to them with everything, every memory traced right back to a timeline where that was the only present I knew. Maybe it was the way it reunited the memory with my now, or how it kept me sane holding on to the pieces of my quickly fading past, a past where everything made sense, a past where there were no doubts as to who I was, and what I would do with my life, a past where 'daddy' was the greatest after all, where I thought a father was an integral part of any kids life, a past where my present self was unrecognizable, frankly she would have never been friends with me. Damn! I've changed so much.
My issue with dates makes it difficult to tell this story right. Regardless, here goes.
It was 2009, right before our inter-house sports competition that year, it hurts not to remember the exact date, I lost my diary of that year in one of our numerous moves.
That particular night, my dad (I still squirm when I sAy this) called us, all three of us, my little brother was still really little then, excluding him from the conversation that would follow. He sat us down. The events of that night are pretty bleak, but I remember he said, "you people should go with your mum tomorrow okay, it will just be for a short while and we would all be back together", something along those lines, I'm not sure. My father had an accent that made you focus on how he would pronounce his words rather than what he would say. I must have stopped paying attention at 'you people', mimicking his pronunciation in my head, syllable by syllable, trying to get it perfect. I guess I knew what he was going to say and I wasn't strong enough to take it, perhaps this time it was a defense mechanism, rather than the regular itch to get off speaking like he did. Looking back now, that was the last conversation I had with my father, void of animosities whatsoever. That's the thing about goodbyes, you never know if those moments right before you leave would be your last good time together.
And just like that, the next morning, we put a few things together, dropped them in the car and went to school, like everything was perfect, like there wasn't a subtle fire brewing in my home, my safe place. That day was as normal as could be, maybe a little more normal than normal. We followed the regular routine, I think I laughed a little louder in class though. The only change was when we got 'home'. It was a new house, the most beautiful house we had ever lived in, all of a sudden, the thought of being away from my safe place seemed to shrivel at the sight of this new place, and the thoughts of leaving daddy behind happened to easily resolve to the backseat in my mind. We moved on so fast, not just me, my siblings too, it was like this was the only life we had ever known. No one would have guessed that a seperation was peeking in the gloomy shadows. 'There was no point saying anything to anyone', I convinced myself, 'afterall wasn't the seperation supposed to be temporary, and if it came with this new house, then I could use a few more days of this, maybe even weeks, God forgive my sinister thoughts'.
We were acting so well, a little too well, I wished somebody had stepped back for caution, maybe asked us how we were really doing, or how we felt, and not left us to the recline of the easy way out.
And that began my training for what would be years of putting up a perfect front.
These days, People always go on and on about how I keep my cool no matter the situation, I never really came off as phased. They were wrong. If only they could see that my heart had dropped into my stomach, laying so close to the pyloric sphincter, about to be expelled from my body, oh I wished I could tell them that I wasn't infact calm, but rather feelings that I would soon, like my heart, sink into the belly of the earth and be expelled from existence engulfed my mind, instead I would smile and say nothing.
Later in my adolescent years, I was skilled in the art of moving on without looking back, I never held on to anyone, never, and cutting people off without a trace that they were once a part of my world, well that became a talent. Maybe I had become so good at acting, but it was soo easy for me to let go, too easy. I had been referred to as insatiable, cold, even heartless, once, in hindsight, this was where it all started.
Reminds me of a boy I met in 2017, on the first day of the first month. For the sake of this book, we'll call him Sadee, however you want to pronounce that.
I met Sadee in the most unconventional way, okay not the most, but it was quite the meet. That night when I peeped his ombré dreads and that look in his eyes, I could already see the end, still I dived in anyway.
I always say that 2017 was the worst year of my life (I hope it'll always be), I mean it's good I have that, so no matter what I go through, I reckon if God could get me through 2017, then He can get through anything. The point is I met Sadee right on time, he was really good for me, did I mention he was a musician, my favorite type.
Sadee called me beautiful at least a hundred times in the 2 months we stayed talking. He said I was the kind of girl that made you want to give everything up and just be with her forever, the kind of girl that made you think there was nothing left to find in the world, and as an artist, that wasn't good for him. I can't explain why, but I hated that he even saw me as that girl, was I really giving off that vibe or was he just projecting, perhaps he wanted out of his highly demanding life already. He wanted me to take my music more seriously, he told me to invest in experiences, because organic music was the best kind.
He always looked at me like it was the first time he saw a female, he once told me that he was falling in love with me, but 'he could never leave his girlfriend'. He didn't sound like he loved her, it was more like he owed a debt, a debt he would spend the rest of his life trying to pay off. From what he told me, they were on one of their numerous off's when we met, you know those ones that are common in the famous 'on and off' relationships.
I knew we could never be in a relationship, I didn't want to, honestly, I don't think I really liked him, more like the idea of him. I told him how I feared I would never love anyone and I would have to marry some guy who really loved me, because you know, he really loved me, and that would be enough for the both of us. I told him about how the permanence of relationships scare me, and how quickly I got tired of men, and that had always cut my relationships(I've had only one 'real' relationship , but 3 for the record) and flings really short. Somewhere deep in my subconscious, I was convinced that I was too broken to love. I once read that Rihanna had daddy issues and that was why she had a bit of a commitment problem, and I was certain we had the same problem, me and her we're so alike.
He comforted me that it was because I hadn't met the right one, and that when I did, everything would fall into place. He must have been right cause I met someone towards the end of last year who dispelled all my doubts, alas I'm not too broken for love, maybe I'm not even broken at all, just a little bent, but not for long. I mean I didn't exactly fall in love, but he made me feel like I could, made me want to, then he went and messed it up, maybe we both did, I don't know, I'll wait till later to get into this one.
I know Sadee hoped he was the right one, which was rather selfish, seeing as he had a girlfriend he could 'never leave'.
He was so spontaneous, and one of the wisest guys I ever met, he just had a way with words, what he lacked in height, he overcompensated in the capacity of his mind, what a brain on him, that one. I remember one time I told him I was making my hair, His house was just around the corner, and the next thing I know he popped in with his friend, a popular Lagos stylist, who doubled as His manager, and who didn't like me much. I was so embarrassed. They came in when I looked the worst, you know when the hairstylist puts your hair in flatass cornrows, so the weave sits in just right, and your head takes a brand new funny shape, they came in right then. I swear I caught the manager stifling his laughter, honestly, I didn't like him much either. But Sadee was all over me, telling me how I never looked more beautiful, he was ravaging me with his eyes, and he didn't care that everyone was looking. I didn't believe him obviously, but something about the way he reiterated it, the way he looked at me, something about all that made me feel good all over. He was one blunt away from hitting high, he was always high, I'm not even joking, I'd never seen him without a drink, he told me he didn't like his sober self, we never really talked much about it.
We used to take midnight drives to nowhere, just sitting and talking, okay, that was just like twice, but I loved every moment we spent together, did I mention how he looked at me.
Too bad it didn't last. I used to be famous for not picking calls, or returning them, and returning messages at my own convenience, I'm a lot better these days, you're lucky if you didn't meet me back then, and if you stayed with me through that fairly lengthy phase, I can't overemphasize how Important you are to me. Well I think he was calling me for about 4days straight and I didn't pick up or call back, I mean I wanted to, but I just never did. A week later though, I saw him on my way to my salon, he was pulling out of his driveway, I said hi from afar, it didn't look like he responded, so I walked over to where he was and I told him I was sorry about not responding to any of his calls, I tried to mutter an excuse that didn't come out clean, but still nothing, I apologized again, and still nothing, then I walked away, he just stood arms crossed watching me, I knew he wanted me to beg, lol, he didn't know me at all. I never spoke to him after that day, he's travelled abroad now and that chapter's closed. I'm sure he's convinced that I'm a cold savage, which I'm not of course, I even wrote him a song, that he would never know about, unless of course, he reads this book. Incase you do read this it's titled 'don't go', see I really did care about you. Speaking of which, I need to finish writing that song, it's been hanging since 2017. Wow, now that I think of it, I actually did write you 2 songs, the second would never see the light of day though, but damn, maybe I did care a lot more than I let on.
I really did enjoy every moment of our time together, however I hope we never meet again, because I can't have anything taint these beautiful memories, and like with all of my 5-minute romance, as I've come to call them, History stands to reason that what follows always falls way short in comparison to what was. I believe the reason to be that while it felt good in that time, it wasn't really anything spectacular in real-time, because It was just what I needed in that moment, a picture that fit the frame, not a perfect picture, but still... it fit the frame. Any attempt to revive it, poses a threat to expose the perfect mirage that it holds.
Just so you know, if we ever had a 5-minute romance, you are gonna pop up in this book, but not to worry, like mr pen said, 'I will speak ill of no man, and speak all good I know of everybody', except of course, the ill surpasses the good, then you can rest in the anonymity that comes with writing a public piece such as this one.
