Something Cosmic

Diary Entry #1: Space Song

Richard and I saw Beach House today. A producer friend of his had two tickets that he wasn't using, so Richard offered to take me since he knew how much I loved the band. The ride to the venue was quiet, but nothing out of the ordinary. One of the things he and I have noticeably had in common since we first met was an affinity for silence. Our mutual friends, specifically Dakota and Hannah, always brought it up. We were pensive and quiet, but in our silence we spoke with glances. We hadn't known each other for long, having met shortly after I moved to Santa Monica 5 months ago, but in that time we'd developed our own language. I know it sounds stupid and may be hard to put into words, but with a glance we could read each other like the back of our hands and from there our conversations spawned and inside jokes thrived. But frankly, I blame myself for there being too much silence at times. As cliche as it might sound, I felt myself get lost in his eyes quite often and it took everything in me to put aside my feelings. We were just friends. We are just friends... And he had Ava. How could I compete with a literal model? She's a model and he's a singer in a band. But worse, because he is so much more than that... I'd trained myself so well, or so I thought, to ignore my feelings and to just be his friend, like everybody else in our group. But tonight, tonight might've messed everything up and I'm not sure how to feel about it...

We got to the venue and chose to stand on the balcony rather than get stomped on by the crowd in the pit. Which yes, it apparently also happens at Beach House shows (who would've thought??). Maybe being in the pit and getting elbowed by a hipster would've been the simple solution to tonight's incident, but this is my life so of course the more complicated and less comical route would be taken, otherwise wtf would I be doing wasting my time rambling in this entry?

The concert was amazing, needless to say, and reached it's absolute pinnacle moment as 'Space Song' began to play. I'm a bit ashamed of myself for having even looked away from the stage during my favorite song, but I felt something... I turned to my left and saw Richard staring at me, with a faint smile on his face. It was hard to make eye contact with him at that moment. I was so nervous and the fucking beautiful yet melancholy song still playing in the background didn't help. I quickly looked down to avoid his eyes and was about to start turning back towards the stage when I felt his hand gently grasp my arm. My head snapped back up and I could feel myself shaking. I looked at him and he pressed his lips against mine. I kissed him back softly. I wouldn't say we made out, but we kissed for a little longer as we stood on the balcony, suspended over the crowd still enjoying the concert. The loud and abrupt sound of clapping shot me back into reality and I backed away from him. I immediately felt like shit. I couldn't look at him. Heading back to his car was a blur and this time the silence on the drive back home felt heavy. When I got out of his car he tried to say something, but I just wanted to run the hell out of there like a fucking coward. However, I did pause for a moment and slowly turned back towards him as I heard him say my name. I could see a look of pain on his face and when our eyes finally met he slowly began to say, "Rosie... I know I fucked up... But please don't walk away thinking that it didn't mean anything..." I was at a loss for words and just nodded. I felt like he wanted to say more, but I didn't give him a chance and walked up to my apartment without looking back.