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I feel like i'm preparing myself to sabotage something that's really good in my life, because he's leaving. i don't want to do that, i feel like i'm losing feeling. Not feelings for him, but feeling. Like i'm numb, it's been faint before but now it's kind of extreme and i don't know what to do. I can't tell him because then he will get upset and i can't hurt him. Not again. We don't talk like we used to, it's like we ran out of things to say. But i have so much going on in my head that i could be sharing. This feeling, tell him about my aunt, that even though i initiate it most times, i feel like we do "things" too much. That i feel like it's the only way we can connect, but it doesn't seem to be working and i don't want to treat him like that. Like he's just something for me to get off. When that isn't true in the slightest. Clearly i've been able to hide very well, he hasn't noticed that i don't feel anything in my chest, to quote NF "I don't trust the thoughts that come inside my head, i dont trust this thing that beats inside my chest, who i am and who i wanna be cannot connect." I'm scared and i dont trust myself.
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YOU ARE READING
late night thoughts...
Non-Fictionif you have depression, anxiety or any other form. i suggest not reading this. This is my brain dump, you can read it, or not. I just needed somewhere to put them.
