My back pressed against the brick wall as the unforgiving wind slapped me across the face. Blue eyes scanned the weary place as bright clouds casted glum shadows over the daunting forests. Hefty trees were quick to illuminate into wilted plants as torn leaves and dead flowers were saddled in the barks.
Nothing but empty thoughts clouded up my mind and with it, every piece of joy I had once managed to maintain faltered bit by bit, far away from my grasp.
Plates clattered as spoons and forks were merrily being passed around.
A child's giggle of joy faintly reached out towards my ears, further dulling my mood. Silhouettes casting their dim shadows were visible as the faint noise of laughter and smiles echoed in the cold air of winter. I couldn't bring myself to move into the goddamn house.
Pale hands were trembling as chipped nails found their way to my teeth. The coldness swarmed me and I oddly felt pleasant. I was sure that my toes would be speckled with frostbite, a nice supplement to be added onto my emotional state of misery.
The longer I stayed outside, the welcoming breeze swept by my dreary hair.
My feet pressed hard against the ground and with it, crunched up leaves left behind their last trace of noise, since nobody that I knew of would ever care to step into this forest, let alone wonder further in. Leaves poked out from every corner that my face turned to. Bushes hid behind dark corners as thorns stroked my ankles. Unwelcoming and dismissive.
No unwanted visitors. Do not step any further than you already have.
I was too far into my rage to stop walking. Deep down, my conscience was telling me to stop, begging me to turn around and not carry on any further; that little functioning sense left of me, always ready to doubt my actions, eager to convince me otherwise. No. Everything that had been carried out throughout the past months of my life were the cause of my frustration and the emptiness that I felt.
I was in too deep to control where my limbs were carrying me. But the howling of the wind told me otherwise. This wasn't safe. Nothing was safe anymore. Anywhere I had turned to for help, a word of advice, even courage turned the exact opposite of what I was hoping for.
My mind couldn't decipher what was real or what was an illusion. I couldn't tell if the harsh and raged whispers were real. I had been brought to the outer skirts of the forest but something in the pits of my stomach told me to stop. Nevertheless, I couldn't care to listen, just for once.
Whispers that were echoing throughout the woods were obviously not being cared to quieten down. Words were mixed with the motions of the wind and I paused to take a quick breath. Taking in the surroundings was suddenly a vision of what a little kid would envision during a frightening nightmare, in which they would get up and seek a cuddle from their parents.
Pure darkness was casted over every edge and corner my eyes turned to. The leaves were simply not a welcoming sight for tourists or people like me who would want to wander around and doom their life. I was soon motioning my body very slowly, circulating in the exact spot that I had stood in.
Soft wind pushed my hair forwards in the slightest bit as my handmade it's turn to swipe it away from my sight. Heavy breaths and footsteps that belonged to a sense of danger motivated me to walk on, but not to the unknown place that I had soon yet to figure out.
Gentle footsteps escalated quick, as heavy breaths and quick sighs mixed with the earlier noise from strangers mixed in the humid air. Feet heavily stomping on sticks and stones as my pale finger found their way to my hair. I hadn't made a stop as leaves turned blurry and the purple darkness casted a grim shadow of trees, almost as if they were mocking me, trying to block me from my way out.
When just seconds ago, I stood higher than the wilted bushes, I came to realise that I was now on their height level. My heavy breathing went on for a good few minutes as I lingered on the ground, but my heart rate began to speed up again once my ears were able to detect the familiar footsteps and heavy breaths from strangers that I had come to fear now.
Strangers who were practically the motives of my tripping and falling and the running and the anger and the fright that I hadn't felt in years.
But I didn't care to slow down the noise level as my breathing and whimpering increased. My pale fingers contrasted with the purple and blue veins. Weary eyes scanned my palm as itchiness and soreness began to form on the tips of my nails.
But the loud thuds of my heart and the forming of my headache caused me to gain my balance once again, and in no time I was fearing for my life. I was sprinting for the cause of fear and I was nearly blinded by tree barks that mockingly grazed at my check, stood in their position of confidence.
Why so stubborn?
You scared now?
Not as tough as you thought you were, huh?
"Keep it together you dimwit," I hissed, barely audible with the amount of quick breaths and spluttering coughs I was barely managing.
I clenched my hands as I dug them into the muddy soil, the green of the grass staining my palms. I was crouching down and felt cold tears pricking my eyes. Refusing to let out any tears, I swallowed in as I let out deep breaths. I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to cry. That little voice in my head repeated until the words were fresh in mind.
I had been handling everything so well, until this moment. I wasn't going to cry over my pathetic fear of something that was probably the figment of my imagination. The stress and my mind deciding to team up and play tricks on my vision.
The layered brick walls was something that I never thought I would be so relieved to see. Nothing but hatred and exasperation came to my mind whenever I took a slightest glance at the house that we would be forced to stay in for next couple of years. At last until my father gets bored of his job and finds a better offer, in which I'll be forced to pack up my bags and leave yet another house.
All in all, families and old friends of my parent's teenage years filled up every space of our house. What my family calls a "congratulatory dinner party." I'd lost count on how many of those supposedly "fun and welcoming" dinners we had had with the amount of times we have had to pack up and leave, and then finally force ourselves into a neighbourhood and expect neighbours to warmly smile at us and bake us chocolate-chip cookies and introduce us to their kids and pretend everything was fun and games, because it wasn't. I couldn't bring myself to stay in that house any longer.
All feelings of distress clouding with agitation left my body, the sense of familiarity and resentment returned, and I almost wished it hadn't. Malicious and empty thoughts crawled it's way to my mind as my body trembled. I felt like coughing and screaming and cough a little bit more and then cry whilst tucked under my covers. I was crouching down on the ground as I slowly let my hands push against the mud. My strength was weakening and I felt like I had no control over it.
Nothing seemed to be adding up and that frightened and angered me. Mix of emotions puddled up in my stomach and after a while, it left me over-whelmed and emotionless. I would be competent and my mood would turn. Nothing was adding up and this wasn't even the bad part.
