To whoever receives this,
Noises were all that I could decipher. I didn't know what I was doing. My hands were shaking, shoulders were tense, breathing steady, but then heavy. Rocking back and forth from where I was sitting, I couldn't make out anything. A shadow occupied my vision. Hot tears were rimming the corners of my eyes and I knew at that moment that the only colour that was vibrant were the red veins in the pupil of my eyes. My senses were going and coming back again as I shivered with a empty mind. Terrified sighs made me feel better in my own presence. Footsteps and the rhythmic beat of the ground entered the other ear and out from the other. I began closing my eyes but became too frightened of the fact that I could miss a single vision and I wouldn't even know about it. My eyes were open again. Something was missing. Everything seemed to be in place for everybody else. I don't really know what made me bring out a pen and a paper, probably just to write all this down so I wouldn't forget a single detail of how I was feeling or what I seeing or what was running through my head at a particular moment. I just feel safest writing, I forget everything. I don't know why I'm shaking. Nerves. Fear. Tension.
The vibrations under the floor were growing louder and much more intense by every second that passed. The beat of a tune which my mind remained familiar to began to shake me out of my fear but I dropped back on the ground as I remembered just who I was and who I always will be. My heart beat sped up but my eyes were focusing on an aspect to calm me down. Ripped boxes tumbled down as crisp packets littered across the window sill. Pizza packagings from about a few weeks ago were scattered across the ground and I started wondering as to how the owner of this place was so careless and I started to relate his actions to my own messed life. I was shaking again. My hands were trembling but the reasons would be better to be left alone. I was surrounded by hundreds of people? But I was so lonely in the space that I had locked my self in.
I was refusing to let tears out because that's just who I was. I didn't like giving in to what I don't want to. I was still shaking as I wrote this and I was, the door handle began to shake vigorously. And then I completely stopped writing because I didn't want the person on the other side of the door to question my doings. I hate that. It's just a pointless thing people do out of habit I guess. They weren't genuinely curious as to know why I had been bundled up into a mess with wild eyes whilst a hand capturing a pen was trembling , trying to get descent words out onto a paper that may come in useful later in life.
The door handle contained an amount of life that was incomparable to what I had left in my pinky finger. I had the urge to roll my eyes and throw a soda can at whoever had disturbed my time of safety and consciousness but I knew that I didn't have the guts to do that. By the time the pen was thrown away under a place I didn't know, my legs were slowly walking me towards my dreaded moment.
"Dude! What the hell do you think you're doing in here? Enjoy the party man, come on!"
Was all he said before I shut the door in front of his drunken face. If I could bring out a cartoon picture with a man holding out a can whilst his eyes were half open and his movements slurred, then that would be it. What was I doing in here in the first place was a question to be considered.
I was pushing past bodies and I was avoiding red cups rolling on the floor. I wasn't in the mood for anything anymore. People were laughing and the melody grew louder and stronger and everything began spinning whilst every body else was oblivious to their surrounding and that somehow caused a gut wrenching feeling in the pits of my stomach but that's okay because I was out of the door before I could hear the laughing and the shouting . But I wasn't outside yet.
I didn't know where I was. I just knew that I had a pen and a paper in hand and that's how I knew I felt the safest, but was I really safe was the real question nobody would ask.
