When Moments Become Memories

Preface

PREFACE

When I was young, I used to be afraid of the bath. I used to think that if I sat near the plughole then I would be flushed down along with the water and the bath monster would eat me. My mother always used to ask me why and I would say that it was because I didn't want to die.

"You're not going to die and the bath isn't going to swallow you up". I can't recall the amount of times she said that to me and how I would always look up and ask her to promise.

"I promise" She would say.

"I promise that the bath will not hurt you, and even if it does then I'll be right here and dive down right after you. Then we can both sit happily in the bath's tummy until it gets a stomach ache and pukes us back up."

I would laugh then and forget about my fear. Forget about being afraid of being eaten or dying because I knew that whatever happened I wouldn't be alone, she would be with me. I could do anything and be anything I wanted to because that's what my mum told me, she promised me when I was born that she would never hold me back, that she would never be the reason that I didn't live the life that I wanted to live. And she was right, she was there to cheer me on through all of my victories and there to catch me and brush me off when I fell flat on my face from failure.

"Oh well, not to worry. I guess I'll just have to cheer a little louder next time. Put the other people off their game, right?" And then she would bend down and kiss my forehead before we headed home.

So no, she never held me back, never stopped me from living my life. But I never, not for one second thought that I would be the one to stop her from living hers.

When I was ten, after the accident happened, I remember having a bath. Whilst I sat outside the bathroom door, my head leaning solemnly on the wall I could distinctly hear two things: The sound of the water running steadily through the taps and the much quieter sound of my fathers muffled sobs, each tear containing a piece of himself that he'd never be able to get back. I remember standing up and getting in the bath and sitting directly on the plughole, I was of course no longer afraid of the bath when I was 10. But I sat over that hole and wished with every fibre of my being that I would be sucked down and get carried away to join my mother.

But she had been right all along; it didn't swallow me up, and in that moment I was more terrified than I had been in my entire life. I didn't know how to live without my mum, how to survive without her physical presence in my life every day.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs slowly, and then my Dad's head appeared around the door and he offered me a tentative smile.

"Hi," He whispered, his voice cracking on the tiny word.

I buried my head on my knees and he came closer and bent down next to me.

"It wasn't your fault you know? Nothing that happened out there was your fault. If you never believe anything that I say to you for the rest of your life, I want you to believe that. Okay?"

I sniffed but didn't raise my head, unable to meet his gaze.

"Katie, look at me." He said more firmly. I lifted my head slowly, my eyes locking with his.

"They're gone" He said with conviction, "they're gone and there's nothing we can do about it now, but we have each other. I will be here for you every step of the way. A terrible thing happened and in the absence of finding a suitable person to blame you've decided that you are the best candidate. I'm here to tell you that that is not the case, there is nothing that you could have done to change what happened and nothing I could have done either."

His voice broke then, and he inhaled a shaky breath. "We're here and we have to carry on living for them. We're going to feel this pain for the rest of our lives, we will go through periods of time when we feel better and then we will have one bad day when we feel like we can't possibly go on without them. So let's promise each other something okay?"

I nodded my head, the movement so miniscule that had there been anyone else in the room, still only he would have been able to see it.

"Let's promise that when those days come, we'll let each other know. I'll tell you when I'm having a bad day, and you'll tell me when you're having a bad day. And then in return we'll tell each other when we're having great days. We will get through this together, your pain is mine and I will not let you handle it alone. Do you promise me Katie?"

I looked into his eyes and saw the conviction and the spoken promise deep within the depths of them. I lifted my hand slowly to wipe the tears that slipped neverending down my face and then placed my hand in his outstretched one, wet from the wiping off his own tears.

"I promise."