daisy chains

nora and kevin (15)

there is that eureka moment where everything binds together. like two magnets clicking. The satisfying conclusion to an undying affair.

it's how i think of things in reflection. like everything comes to a full circle. I remember seeing the image of a serpent biting its tail, something from norse mythology, and the depiction of the process that is life. i think of myself, biting my tail, i think of dogs, chasing their tails. it looks like this, like everything comes together but only if you can embody the beginning and end. Only if you can see the first letter, and make it to the conclusion. Only if you read from the first chapter, to that of the lengthy acknowledgements. like when you read a book you like so much that you keep forestalling the ending, so much that you go on to read the endless "thank you"s at the end, even though they mean nothing. then you trace the last words, feel the page, do whatever you like with it. then you put it away, and it stays on the shelf. maybe you read it again in a few years, but that's it.

fig told me of a story once. an old man marrying his first lover after years of an unhappy marriage. nora and kevin from his favorite show. that people find each other eventually, if it's written. if it's meant to be. he convinced me of it, his words overpowering my thoughts, his fingers long as they twisted stories around my wrists to bind me to him. he knew nothing was important to me as much as a good story.

i thought that sounded right. i thought of my past lovers, finding our way back to each other. i couldn't imagine it, so i let it go.

i went months and years without fig's drawings. i heard he switched charcoal for paint, and moved to London.

he found his way back to me.

we were both in paris. i was there for an award, and he was there for his artwork. at first i hardly recognized him. then my stomach lurched and i felt sick. that was really him, in the flesh.

i hated the story of the old man finding his lover again. it felt unrealistic. why couldn't they simply be together from the start? why waste a life time of pain with another woman?

but there he was. we didn't share the story of kevin and nora. but there we were. coincidence?

"the universe brought us together," he smile, but now the corners of his eyes creased. i imagined mine did too. "i'll tell you i manifested this."

there were times like these before. award shows. billboards. magazine covers.

but i never dared to reach out. though each time felt like someone was pressing alcohol against a fresh paper cut on my thumb.

i rolled my eyes. the thunder in my stomach ebbed. i no longer felt like throwing up. "of course you did."

he laced his arm with mine as we walked into the event. i could hardly remember any of it. it took a while to get caught up. he was in paris for art and wine. he was staying for a week before heading back to london. do i want to stay with him?

i imagined a hotel somewhere, of breakfast in bed. part of me considered to refuse, but he looked at me as he did the first time he ever saw me, like nothing about us felt old. i said yes.

we spent a week in paris. i followed him to london. when i left for New York, every minute away felt like someone was pressing acid to my skin. sometimes when i missed him, i felt the pressure of his lips on my neck i could hardly believe it wasnt real. it had to be. i felt his breath on my skin, and the sharp brush of his teeth.

i hurried back when i could.

we moved around. from london to Milan. he liked the clothes there. i said i liked Rome better, then Positano. so he packed our things and we stayed there instead.

he painted the multicolored houses, and tuscan cypresses with oil on canvas.

work grew meaningless, but it did not matter.

nothing did. we swam by the beach every morning. he bought us ice cream and olive oil. he smelled like the sun. i kissed his full lips. i knew each time i kissed him, it could be the last time. i kissed him hard each time, just in case.

the end

lol yeah it took a whole year to conclude this only because i dreaded it. idk what to think of this. kind of a mess but i worked on it at different times in my life so when i look back i kind of know where i was and it's cool to see how things influenced what i was writing. idk.