If I stay

Woah after like a billion years on this site i've finally published something woah

this is so embarrassing try not to judge me too hard pls im just fucking around

Not really much to say about this short...thing. vaguely based off experience.and....angst. yeah. thts it.

Not really any warnings tho

Cheers.

**************************

Phil

"Get out."

With those two words, the world seemed to stop spinning,and turn too fast all at once.

The silence after those two words was filled with quite tension and my acute respiratory distress.

Everything vanished and gravity was relentless, trying to pull me through the ground.

I almost wished it would.

My legs felt all my weight, drawing strength (or struggling for it) from a floor that suddenly didnt seem so solid.

Something in me broke when he said those two words.

The gaping hole that had been growing wider and wider during the past months finally enveloped me. Or the thing that was me. There was no feeling, only a single thread of consciousness floated through empty space.

Well no, that's not quite right. With it was something else.

Not quite dread, because at least now we knew. I finally knew where we stood.

Not quite relief because where we stood was separate. We were at our worst.

Our life wasn't perfect before those words, but I would take it over this. Anything but this. Because we both knew what it meant.

Get out.

Stay out.

Move your things, leave the flat. Stay out of my life, you're not a part of it, not any more.

And it's not that our time together no longer mean anything. In fact if you asked either of us right now we'd both answer- it's the opposite.

They mean too much. There's too much weight in those years to carry now.

And it should hurt- at least more. Those two words were only a knife cutting into a thousand paler cuts.

Because the face was while we might have shared a home, we haven't lived together in a long time.

His eyes looked black and bottomless in the dim light, but oh how they burned right through me.

There was an anger in them that didnt have the fire of rage. They were more like a new sword, its burning steel  being dipped into cool water.

Deadly.

Those new eyes told me those two words were final, nothing could convince them. Nothing would help me. There was no sadness, those eyes belonged to someone who had been hardened by heartbreak.

And it was my fault.

******

Six Months Previous

-Phil-

Something had changed.

I couldn't tell you when, or who it started with, but it wasn't the same anymore.

*******

Five months

I started sleeping in my old bedroom again. At first it was the occasional night out, like when I wanted to browse the internet without disturbing Dan, but soon it was almost every day I had to talk myself into sleeping in the next room.

Dan wasn't usually the first to fall asleep when we watched  movies huddled under his colorless duvet, so seeing him asleep was an interesting thing- in the least Edward Cullen-y way possible.

Some part of me used to love him like this, as he clung onto any nearby object in his sleep- which for the past year, had been me. His head was usually buried in my chest, one limb haphazardly thrown across me, enveloping us in the comfortable furnace that was his body heat.

But instead of quiet joy, I was able to notice every discomfort: My neck getting a crick from too many or not enough pillows, the way my back was weirdly bent towards the tv, and that made it a little easier to slide from his childlike grasp and into my own cool bed.

Nothing was different during the day, at least not then. It had been a while until Dan noticed my constant disappearances during the wee hours of the morning.

One late morning we were sitting in the lounge, eating cereal whilst watching a baking show when he spoke.

My small camera was on, I was filming another (third?)"Day in our lives" video as one was long overdue. It was especially demanded after we announced our relationship. The fans wanted a domestic phan video. Though I'm not sure what exactly they were hoping to see, we didn't act any less couple-y in our other videos.

There was something beautiful anout him today, I was having trouble not staring. From the other end of the camera, I'd  probably looked lile a love sick idiot.

It was probably the sun floating trough the windows, landing softly on him, but something about him was...glowing. His eyes were almost illuminated, like shining amber. And the way he laughed filled the room- it was hard not to be entranced by him.

I was so privlidged to love him.

"...Matt Smith, you know? He's got no eyebrows." Dan said, grabbing the camera and pointing it at the Tv where a man who apparently looked like the Doctor was throwing ingredients together.

"Yeah it's quite weird isn't it, they could be twins!" I said enthusiastically, playing along. Dan put the camera back on me and I had tk remember to look into it.

"You would know, wouldn't you sneakin' off with the Doctor almost every night?" He said with a mouthful of cereal, and I couldn't help but laugh. And he laughed with me, our happiness seemed to echo throughout the whole flat.

And that was all we ever spoke about on the subject.

****

Later that evening, I had been given the task of editing via dan, as he was too exhausted from going out into the world, and couldn't be bothered to do anything but play video games. 

I didnt mind though, unlike dan, I enjoyed editing. There was something therapeutic about watching a mess of footage slowly turn into something presentable.

I was sat at the table now, slipping on some headphones to drown out the sound of Dan growling frustratedly at the tv.

After a first few minutes, the bit from this morning was displayed on the screen. As I listened to the clip of past us waffling about the shows, two things struck me.

One: This is what the fans wanted. Us. I had looked like an idiot in love. We both did.

Two: How easy it was to erase.

*********

lame...everything is lame.