This isn't a suicide note, in fact it is quite the contrary. This is a note about all the good things life has given us and that the world has to offer the things that I ruined. While I might not be the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most popular, I still have a voice and maybe it will never be as loud as it should be and maybe that's my fault for whispering but at the end of the day I know someone is out there listening. I have spent most of my short life being the only constant variable, while the earth and it's people changed around me I sat there twiddling my thumbs all the same. I remember growing up with my older brother, our bond was unbreakable. We spent ever day and night together, we'd play video games and have nerf gun battles, then one day he just left. He no longer asked me to play and he acted like I didn't exist to him anymore. The same things have happened with all my 'friends.' They have all slowly left me and we've slowly lost contact, and after the years I've stopped letting people in. I started putting on masks around everyone hoping that they'd like me more if I was someone different. It worked , I won't lie, it was effective until people began to notice how I was different around everyone. My lies crumbled and they finally met me, and they didn't like me. I don't mean to ask for pity I never gave them a chance to like me for who I really was, they had never met her. I had never liked them either, after all it was only a mask. When I finally got to the end of freshman year things changed, not with the outside world but inside me. I had met someone who saw right through my charade and loved me for who I actually was. I still put on masks around everyone else and that broke him. He never talked about it to me until my lies started to effect our relationship, they broke him into a million pieces and left him there on the floor gasping for breathe. Betrayed by the only one he had opened up to himself. For a while I didn't understand the full weight of that, that the masks were still all me and that it was through my own actions and faults that I fell, but now I do. I broke him, and through all that he still actually loved me, something at that point I didn't deserve, I had taken it for granted. I'm trying I've stopped putting on masks and now I am myself, and it's hard. Not everyone likes me, they think that I've changed somehow but I haven't they are just now meeting me. I've been yelled at for it but it's worth it to lose the weight of the thousand people I was. Through it all I have learned many things, the world has never been the problem, it's just the people in it, the people in it are all the same, and no matter how hard I try I am one of those people. I guess that's what makes us all similar, but I still feel different cause I seem to understand more than everyone else, and I see through people. I could be wrong or a fool but I see things that nobody sees. I wish everyone knew and saw that but then we'd all just be on the same level again. The world is a beautiful place, nature is the most pure form of life, in the same way an untouched heart creates the purist form of love. It's sad to see that Nature is slowly rotting at the hands of the people, the people who leave their problems up to some higher being to fix... I am not able to break the realm of possibility. I can't go back in time and fix all my mistakes even though I wish I could. My mistakes have ruined a lot and I've learned from that.... I could go on and on about how different my life would be if u hadn't done some stupid things, but at the end of the day I can't change that... cause truly the saddest thing is what might've been ... I want to fix it but I can't.... and I've ruined it ..... there's nothing left, nothing but the ashes from the fire I started.....
This is me signing off,
~xoxo That Girl
