The inside of my mind

Beautiful

My freshman year of high school, my mother received a call from my school because I tried to kill myself and needed to be admitted to the hospital. That night my sister sat with me in my hospital bed and told "I don't ever want to see you in a casket. I don't ever want to see you in a hospital bed again". My sister walked out of the room so my brother could talk to me. But all he could manage to get out was one word. "Why?" Hospitals and suicide is not beautiful. I talked to an old best friend last week, we lost touch due to her moving two states away. She told me she had to get her stomach pumped because she tried to overdose and poison herself with four bottles of alcohol. I remember when she used to spend the night and we'd used to talk about how we were always going to be there for each other. I failed her. Overdose and alcoholism is not beautiful. My junior year of high school, I had a best friend who dealt with anorexia and bulimia. I'll never forget the night I spent at her house and hear her throwing up. She was crying and telling herself to stick her fingers further down. When she came back to her bedroom, I held her for a long time and told her I loved her. We both cried and a few weeks later she went away for treatment. I haven't seen her since. When she first went away, her mom used to talk to me about it. I saw the same sadness in her eyes as I saw in my own mother. Eating disorders are not beautiful. My cousin shot herself in the head on the twenty-forth of August two years ago, I missed three days of school. When I went to the funeral her mother hugged me and thanked me over and over for attending. I shouldn't have been there. None of us should have. Funerals and caskets are not beautiful. During my third hospital visit, I had a roommate that was absolutely gorgeous. I was so envious. She told me that she was mad at her self for not cutting deeper. I told her I'm glad she didn't. As soon as the words passed my lips, she lunges into my arms. Sadness is not beautiful. Please take your romanticization and glamorization if self harm, and eating disorders, and committing suicide, and alcoholism, and sadness and shove them up your ass as far as you fucking can. This is not beautiful. But, you know what? You are, and it's about goddamn time you start realizing that.