Are you mine?

Chapter 29

After a long and exhausting day, I'm ready to get out of here and let it be over with. "Mads, wait up!" I walk out of the back of the school, along the running track, heading for the football field when Sydney catches up to me. She's wearing her cheer uniform and has a big red bow on her head, wrapped around her long ponytail, her gym bag hangs lazily off her shoulder and she carries her pom-poms in her free hand.

"Hey," she greets me, exhaustion showing in her tone of voice.

"Hi," I reply drily, not even trying to hide how low I'm feeling right now.

There's a long pause as she walks alongside me, kicking a little rock with her foot "Listen, I talked to Tyler," she says, making me stop dead in my tracks.

"Did you know about it?" I turn to face her, "How he felt, I mean," I ask nervously.

"Yeah, I knew," she admits, "But he didn't need to tell me, it's always been sort of an unspoken thing between us. But it was so painfully obvious that I'm actually surprised you didn't know." 

"Well, I didn't." I reply defensively, "And why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't my place Maddie. And I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but I need you to be honest with yourself. Can you really look me in the face right now and tell me honestly that you had no idea he felt that way about you? Did you really not see it, or did you just decided to ignore it, thinking it would sort itself out?"

I take a step back to escape her accusing tone. "Why are you being like this right now?"

"I'm not trying to make it worse. I'm just..." her hands go to her hair, brushing it out of her face, "Fuck, I don't know. This is so messed up." 

"And you think it's my fault," I say, not really a question, but her silence seems like an answer. "Oh my god, you actually do."

"I didn't say that," Syd amends.

"But you thought about it," I counter. 

"I just can't help but feel like this could've been avoided had you faced it head-on," she says.

"Sydney, I tried! I tried to work things out, multiple times. He told me to stay away from him, that was his choice. So I did what he asked, for his own good."

Syd sighs, "I know you tried. And I did too. Why do you think I'm always trying to set him up with other girls?" she asks, "I was hoping one of them would stick and he'd get over you. Obviously, it didn't work," She lets out a frustrated grunt, turning her back to me. "I wish I hadn't pushed you to be with Noah," she breathes.

"Woah, what?" I ask, taken aback.

"I shouldn't have gotten involved," She says turning to face me again. "I shouldn't have gotten him involved either. Maybe then none of this would have happened."

"Look Syd, I get it. This is a shitty situation, but it's between Tyler and me. Noah is good to me, he cares about me just as much as Tyler does. And you can't blame this on him. You don't even know him," I argue, feeling the need to defend Noah. "Put anyone else in his position: Mason, Jackson, even you. It would still be the same because they wouldn't be the problem. The problem is that I don't reciprocate Tyler's feelings. And just like I told him, I'll tell you, I love him. I do, with all my heart, and I wish I was in love with him but I'm not. I'm sorry, but I can't change the way I feel."

Syd stands closer, a step away from me, and finally lowers her tone. "Look, all I'm saying is if you're losing your best friend for him, you better be a hundred percent sure he's worth it," she says, pointing at Noah, surrounded by a group of girls who give him flirty smiles. He waves as he passes them by. "Do you love him?"

I open my mouth but I don't answer. I don't know how.

"Okay..." she nods, taking my silence as an answer. "Have you even talked about the senior trip with him?" she presses, an eyebrow raised.

I haven't, but I probably should have.

See, in this town, we do things a little differently. We don't have a prom, but instead, we replace it with a trip reserved only for seniors, which is basically a week-long celebration in honor of our high school careers coming to an end. There are a few companies that specialize in these kinds of trips, and they plan it all out for the seniors to have the time of their lives. They take us wherever we want to go, all we have to do is pick a destination, and this year we collectively settled on Brazil.

We'll be staying abroad for six nights, each one hosting a themed party. The ones I know of are: stoplight night, where each person dresses up in a different color based on their relationship status, red if you're taken, yellow if 'it's complicated, and green if you're single and ready to mingle; Halloween night, basically a costume party; and crazy circus, for which we just go to a club that has a circus theme.

The senior trip experience can be summed up in the words 'raging-teenage-hormones fest'. It's common knowledge that if you haven't lost your virginity by the time that the trip comes around, chances are you're not coming back from it with your v-card still intact. It gets pretty wild. Everyone takes the opportunity to throw inhibitions out the window, without any judgment from the others. After all, what happens in the senior trip, stays in the senior trip.

Because we're in the same grade, Noah and I are going on the trip together. Problem is, Noah is undeniably attractive, which means girls are going to be all over him, and I'm not sure I'll be able to handle being a witness to that. Let alone knowing he's sleeping with other people while we're there.

I should probably talk about this with him, but I don't really know where we stand right now in regards to our relationship. And I don't want to be acting like his girlfriend when I'm not.

"Judging by your blank expression I suppose you hadn't given that any thought," Syd hits the nail in the head. "It appears you have a lot to think about then," she says, giving me a pointed look as she walks away, leaving me with a tornado of emotions stirring inside me.

"What the fuck?" I breathe out.

I understand where she's coming from, no one likes to see their best friends being torn apart, but it's very easy for her to place all the blame on me when she's not the one standing in my shoes. I feel bad enough about this whole situation as it is, and I don't need her making it worse.

"Hey," Noah says, startling me as he places a hand on my shoulder. "You okay?"

I've already decided that I'm not going to involve him in matters that should be dealt with between my friends and me, so I try to get the issue out of my head as I turn to him, putting my best smile on. "Yeah, all good," I reply. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, I just have to change out of my uniform. I'll meet you at the car in say...fifteen minutes?" he asks, handing me his keys.

"Sure thing," I smile fakely at him before he jogs back to the locker rooms.

As I walk towards the parking lot, Syd's words echo inside my head. Am I sure about Noah? I honestly don't know. I am sure I love Tyler, but my feelings for Noah are completely different. He makes me feel special, and nervous, and excited, and confused all at the same time, and he has proven he genuinely cares about me a lot.

This is a mess, and I'm scared I'm putting everything on the line for a guy who I basically just met, but if I'm going to make the right decisions, I need to listen to my heart and not my head for once. And though my head tells me to quit on him, go back, and patch things up with my friends as best as I can before it's too late, my heart can't help but call out Noah's name.

I'm standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the bottomless pit underneath me, and I get the feeling I'm about to go off the deep end.