Stuck In-between Realities (Revising)

Chapter 4

Lester's POV

It's been a week since I last saw Lotus. I visited her the day after I first visit her but she got discharged then. Mabuti at nasa maayos na ang lagay niya at makapag-papahinga na siya nang maayos. Kaya naman hindi na ako nag-alala pa.

Today is Monday I'm running late so I was in a hurry. But on my way I stoped after hearing a slapping sound. I got curious as my brows arched. Babaliwalain ko nalang sana ang narinig nang mabosesan ko ang nagsalita. Kunot ang noo ko habang dahan-dahang naglakad sa gilid ng building na papasukan ko.

My eyes widens as I saw Lotus lifelessly looking somewhere while her mother keep on slapping her. I was taken a back as I look into her emotionless eyes. Her face was gone with emotions but her eyes, I have to take a second look for me to see how sad it was. Mabilis na kumuyom ang kamao ko at handa na sanang pumagitna sa kanila nang walang buhay na nagsalita si Lotus.

"Are you done? Nailabas mo na ba lahat sa akin? Are you satisfied?" Walang buhay niyang tanong sa Ina na ani mo ay natauhan sa nangyayari. "Hindi pa? Kulang pa ba?" Tanong niya ulit sa Ina at humakbang nang isa palapit dito nang humakbang ito palayo. Walang buhay nyang kinuha ang kamay nito at ilang ulit na ipinatama sa mukha. "Your not done yet? Hindi pa rin ba sapat?" For a split second I saw her eyes full of emotion one of it is pain. I saw pain in her eyes as she look straight into her mother's eyes.

"Let go!" Her Mom said as she take her hand from Lotus' grip. Nang magawa nitong makuha ang kamay ay agad itong hinilot at masamang tumingin sa anak. "You're really something, manhid..." Sabi nito saka mabilis na naglakad paalis.

I was still in shock as I saw Lotus slowly falls into the ground. Her hands shaking and tears about to fall her eyes.

For a moment I thought to myself, she's very strong. I can now understand the cold Lotus I see infront of me. Longing for a mother's care. I can't help but think of how lucky I was to have my loving mother with me.

Lumabas ako sa sulok na pinagtataguan. Lumapit ako at agad siyang niyakap. Now its more clear to me. Why this lotus was surrounded with sharp thorns. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot sa nakikita. Hindi ganito ang Lotus na nakilala ko noon. Hindi sugatan at hindi manhid... My sweet Lotus.

Ang kaninang pigil na pag-luha ay naging sobrang masagana. Hindi maiwasang masaktan para sa kaniya. Napaka tatag niya para maging malakas sa harap ng Ina.

Pinili kong panatilihin siya sa mga bisig ko hanggang sa huminahon siya sa pag-iyak. Nang huminahon ay unti-unti akong bumitaw sa yakap at mabilis na pinahid ang basa niyang pisngi sa pagluha. Nang maayos na siya ay tinulungan ko siya patayo at nanatiling tahimik.

"I'm fine." She said, about to leave. Her eyes gone with emotions again. The cold and hard Lotus is back. She's masking up again.

"No you're not." I said as I take her arms and gently pulled her with me. I was expecting her to pull back but she didn't so I continue walking untill we reached my now new hiding spot. 

Lotus' POV

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko siya hinayaang hilahin ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hinayaan ko siyang makita na mahina ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napaka pamilyar sa pakiramdam nang yakap niya. Basta hinayaan ko lang siya gawin ang mga bagay na iyon.

Masyadong ukopado ang isip ko at hinayaan nalang siyang hilahin ako sa kung saan. Maya maya pa ay tumigil kami sa paglalakad na nakapag pabalik sa akin sa katotohanan.

Kunot ang noo ko habang ipinalilibot ang paningin sa paligid ko. Its been years since I last saw this place. It stays the same though. The air is still fresh, the flowers are still blooming and birds singing. Just like how I remembered this place.

"How did you find this place?" I asked as the memories of the past rushed into me. I roam my eyes and smiled as I saw the bench still perfectly siting under the big acacia tree.

"I wanted to be alone, and this place is the perfect place for me." He answered, I smiled bitterly as an answer. Marahan akong naglakad palapit sa bench at doon na upo.

"I missed this place..." I said as the bittersweet memory of Kai Red flooded me. Little did I know that as I reminisce the old memories tears started falling down my cheeks. Years have past but the pain remains.

Siguro nga mahirap lang talaga akong mahalin. Siguro nga Hindi talaga ako kamahal-mahal. All I want is for them to love me back but I always get hurt everytime I try. Siguro nga ako talaga yung may problema. "This place is supposedly secret." I said bitterly smiling while my tears continually fall down my cheeks.

Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagkunot ng noo niya maging ang lungkot at kalituhan sa mga mata niya. He must be wondering why this place is worth my tears. "This place is once my safe heaven and now it's like  hell. I used to love this place so much. I used to come here every single time I had a chance to be alone and unwind. This place suppose to be my sanctuary, but now this is just a memory of how difficult I am to love." I look straight into his eyes after that.

Gusto ko lang may magmahal sa akin ng totoo. Gusto ko lang maramdaman kung paano maging importante sa tao. Gusto ko lang maramdaman na hindi ako mag-isa. Gusto ko lang may maka intindi sa akin. Gusto ko lang naman mahalin pero bakit parang ang hirap hirap? Ano bang ginawa ko para tratuhin ako nang ganito ng mga taong mahalaga sa akin?

Muli nanaman akong nagising sa katotohanan nang maramdaman ang marahang paghamlos sa pisngi ko. Napa tingin ako sa mga mata ni Lester. It's full of emotions, of care. "Am I really that hard to love?" I can't help myself but ask. Nakatutuwang sa lagay ko ngayon ay hindi ko makitang kinaaawaan niya ako.

"No one is hard to love. There's no such thing as unlovable. You are loved." Hindi ko alam pero mas bumuhos ang luha ko sa narinig. Siguro alam ko lang talaga sa sarili ko na mahirap akong mahalin. Maka ilang beses ko na nasabi sa sarili ko na hindi ako kamahal-mahal pero palaging pareho parin ang sakit sa puso ko. Palagi pa rin akong nababasag at nadudurog.

"All I want for them is to love me, but I always end up hurting and getting neglected. And I'm at the point where I myself don't love me anymore. I don't love myself any longer." I said again bitterly smiling. Malalim siyang napa buntong hininga saka tinabihan ako sa bench.

Ilang matagal na minuto kaming nanatiling gano'n. Tahimik at nakatanaw lang sa kung saan. He didn't talk, he didn't do anything but I felt relieved for some reasons. For a very long time I almost forgot how to feel okay... but now I don't know but I feel so much lighter.

"All my life I despised my father." Napa tingin ako sa kaniya nang kalaunan ay magsalita Siya. "I used to hate him so much. He is the most selfish–self-centered person I have ever known. All the life, I thought he didn't loved me and my Mom and so I end up growing an anger for him." Bumaling siya sa akin at bahagyang ngumiti ng pilit. "I hated him to the point where I hated myself for being his son." Muli siyang napabaling sa asul na kalangitan at doon nilunod ang sarili. "Not untill we've lost him." Kitang kita ko kung paano gumuhit ang sakit sa mga mata niya habang sinasabi iyon. "Then I realized that I was angry at him because I loved him. So much that it hurts me knowing that he doesn't care. When I realized it, it was too late already, he's gone." I was looking at him. Pinagmamasdan ko kung paano naging sobrang lungkot nang kislap nang mga mata niya. "Now, all I can do is to hate myself for hating him..." I didn't expect him to carry such thoughts.

I guess people do love to hide thier pain huh? We all have our own silent battles, our own demons, our own pain. Its just that we all have our own ways of carrying and coping with how hurt we all are.

🍀Black_Stain_19