I didn't have time. I never had time. That's what I told myself. I'd always been rushing through life. Mindlessly running around. I'd been a fool. I had never been happy. Not really. Always worrying about the next appointment, the next thing I was obligated to do. Focused on pleasing everyone around me. I never did anything I enjoyed. I did what I was expected to do. I did what others wanted me to do.
And what's worse, I never even questioned it. I lived my life like a machine, programmed to obey orders. Like a dog. A really loyal dog. But who was I loyal to, and why? What did I get out of it?
I never once stopped to think about these things. Always rushing to the next experience. Never once did I think about what I wanted to do. One might call it selfless, but maybe I was avoiding the truth. That even if I did stop, there was nothing that I wanted to do. Nothing that I was interested in. Nothing for me to live for. And then, I'd have to face it. After realising that, life would never be the same. I'd try to avoid it, but it'd always be on the back of my mind, haunting me, mocking me.
But as I sit here, alone, in the dark night, I realise that it wasn't worth it. It never was. I've wasted so much time, acting like I didn't have any. I'm drenched in sweat, some of it dripping from my forehead. My heartbeat still a bit fastened. I'd seen a nightmare — no, it wasn't a nightmare. I wasn't scared. It was like my dream had showed me that there was nothing to be scared about. Nothing to worry about. It was reassuring.
It's like I'd been reborn. Finally ready to start living. I don't know what I want to do yet, but I have all the time in the world to figure it out. No more pointless things that I don't care about. I'm ready to be happy. To make the most of what I have. To slow down. To see what's around me. To enjoy the wind and the dark nights, embrace the noise coming from the streets at night that I used to hate so much. The sound of living. To be one of those people. To make noise. To make people hear me. To make them notice that I exist. Acknowledge that I'm here, in this world, in this body, breathing. To enjoy the fact that I really am here. To leave my mark on the world.
Today is a new beginning.
