⚠️warning suicide scene, if easily triggered do not read⚠️
Astrid's pov
I can't do it. Not anymore. It's too much for me, overwhelming. I tap my pencil repeatedly against my desk, twenty more minutes. Twenty minutes , then I can go home and end the pain. I will finally be done, I've lived long enough. Eighteen excruciating years. They were terrible, Jonah made them better. But, he's gone now. Touring, living in LA, his dream. If I could feel any happiness, I'd be so happy for him. But I'm numb. Empty. I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing except the need to take a pointless life off this Earth. There was no need for me. No need at all. I shouldn't have been born, it's a total tragedy. A bad one.
*beep*
It's been twenty minutes already? It flew by. I pack up, my stuff, and head to my locker, and only grabbing a notebook and pencils. I believe my mom, and Jonah need an explanation. My father? I will only tell him how his abuse only pushed me further over the edge. I hate him. Walking out of the prison, some kids call school, Trevor spots me. He laughs, and sticks out his foot to trip me. Of course, it was to late to catch it, and I tumble to the ground, face planting. I felt nothing but relief when the pain washed over me.
"Kill yourself, you worthless piece of shit!" His girlfriend, Meranda, yells, a evil laugh escapes her mouth after wards.
"A pathetic excuse of a life if you ask me." Trevor laughs, kicking my side.
I push myself off the ground, and collect my things.
"Don't worry, after tonight, I'll have granted your very wish." I whisper and speed off. I run home, tears falling out of my eyes. It's the first time I've felt anything in a while. An overwhelming sadness. An overwhelming need to die, it's nothing I can stop. The need has manifested and is now controlling me. Not that I mind, I want to be gone.
I push my door open, and slam it shut. I run to my room, closing that door also. I slide down it, tears falling harder than ever. My body shakes from the violent sobs, I need to calm down. My mom will be home in three hours. I need to write, then carry out with my plan.
I start with Jonah's.
Dear Jonah,
Jo. My favorite person on this planet. It's hardest to tell you goodbye, knowing it will hurt you. But I am hurting too bad. Actually, I'm not. But I am. I am numb, empty, and feel absolutely nothing. It's terrible Jonah. I have a secret, only you'll know. I can tell you since when you read this, I'll be gone. The weeks I spend with my father, he's abusive. When I broke my rib, I didn't have a biking accident. He kicked me in the ribs repeatedly. When I had that black eye? The bully didn't do that, he punched me for not making something exactly how he wanted it. When I called you crying, and wouldn't tell you why, he had spent hours hitting me, in places no one could do, forcing me.. to do things to pleasure him. Or his friends. He told me how I was a mistake, and I was worthless, that I was the biggest mistake of his life. Then going to school and Meranda and Trevor physically and verbally bullying me. It was too much. I hate myself. Every inch of me, is disgusting. You, were the best part of me. You're gone now. I have no one. I miss you. I have another secret. I'm in love with you. I have been, for a long time. You're with Tate now though, it hurts. So much. But she's perfect, and I am nothing.
Okay, enough of that. I want to thank you. You gave me a reason, you were my reason. You are. But, as much as I love you. And it's alot. I love you with everything in me Jonah Marais Roth Frantzich. But it's not enough, the pain took over, consumed me. I'm it's bitch. I can't escape it, and it's killing me. Well, as you're reading this. It has. It has killed me. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for the smiles and laughs. All of them were real with you. Thank you for being my first kiss, even if it was in second grade and you only did it because you saw your dad do it when your mom was sad. Thank you for trying to show me out of this darkness. But, this darkness is not escapable. It's overbearing. I love you. Thank you for everything. I'm so sorry, just please remember, I love you forever.
yours forever,
Astrid 'Squishy' Jones.
I laugh half heartedly at the nickname he gave me. I'd do anything to hear it once more, before I do. Just to hear him say, 'You'll be okay my little Squishy. I've got you forever.' as he lets me cry onto his shoulder about things he'd never been told. Maybe it'd even be enough for me to stay one more day. Maybe two. I neatly fold it, crying softly as I tuck it into an envelope I bought last night. I write 'To; Jonah, from; your squish.' next I move onto my mothers.
Dear mom,
It's not your fault. I put that first because I know you'll blame yourself instantly. But it's not. You were my best friend, advice giver, human diary, and 1/2 of the people who I let in. You made me smile, laugh, and feel loved. But the pain is much too strong. It's consumed me, and I do not know how to fix it, other than ending my life. I love you. So damn much mom. But this life, is no longer for me. Jonah can tell you the secret I wrote in his, I don't want to write it twice, it's to painful. I want to tell you how much I love you, how much I thank you for everything. You are my everything mom, and I am so deeply sorry I am just abruptly leaving you like this. You'll probably be the one to find me, and it breaks me. I debated doing this at my fathers, but he'd never tell you. He's lie. Give you false hope. Just to hurt you. Which is actually probably then walking in on what you did. I've thought over every option, I promise. I looked into therapy, no one understood. The anti-depressants don't work. I tried praying, bur I can't escape my demons mom. They're strong. This time stronger than normal, and they've won. They have succeeded. I hate tell you that. So I'll tell you this. Don't mourn over me. Be happy, find a new man who will give you the universe in the blink of an eye. Make sure Jonah is happy too. I never want you two to ever be sad. I love you mom, I'll forever watch over you. I'll cheer you on from now until we meet again. Goodbye.
Astrid.
I do exactly what I did with Jonah's, 'To; my super mom, from; the one who loves you most, Astrid. I sit hers on her bed, along with Jonah's. I trust her to get it too him. I take off the bracelet I've worn since I turned seven, she made it, and sit it on her bed, along with Jonah's favorite hoodie I took last time I saw him. I text Jonah one time before I finalize my life.
To; my reason.
I love you. Never forget it, okay?
I sit my phone down shakily, and stare at the bottle of pills. My hand reaches for it, shaking tremendously. I nearly drop it from how much I am shaking. I open it, barely. It was like human proof. I stare at them more, tears falling harder, as I put a handful in my mouth and wash them with water. There was four more pills left so I swallowed them also before sitting back in my bed, and waiting for them to kick in. They take their time but finally I feel myself begin to slip away and that's when my door opens and I hear Jonah.
"No! KATHY CALL 911! SHE-SHE TOOK THE WHOLE BOTTLE OF PILLS!" He screams, tossing the pill bottle away from me, he gags me with his finger not thinking twice about it. He saw this in a movie, I watched it with him. He then carried me to the bathroom and sat me in cold water, he sat under- neath me sobbing. He kisses the back of my head.
"You can't leave me squishy." He sobs, his voice cracking, after a few moments my mom enters and she lets out a pained yelp. "Please stay awake."
"J-j..jonah." I whisper, I feel myself slipping into an inevitable unconscious state. He leans so he can hear me. "I.. I love you.. like I'm- I'm i-in lov-"
And just like that I am out not being able to finish confessing my feelings aloud.
