Doesn’t it seem like such a silly thing to say. To say you’re afraid of loving someone. It’s not like actual fear, like you’re extremely terrified to the point you want to flee. But at the same time, metaphorically it is. The fear of loving someone is masked by our personalities. At least for me it is.
Some people say love is when you can’t stop thinking about that person. When you don’t want to be apart anymore. This is true in a way but I think love is much more. I think you know you love someone just by knowing. Love can be hard to spot at first but after some time, you know. You have this feeling in your mind, that you’re meant to be. For some people, love isn’t butterflies. It’s actually just an idea. How you know this is because if you look at your pets and feel nothing but know you love them, it’s love.
Everyone loves in different ways. I think I love this person. I know I want to be with them. Whenever it’s time for us to part ways I always feel like crying. Whenever I get to see them I just feel overwhelming joy.
But I am afraid of loving. I’ve been disappointed so many times. I’m not afraid of them wanting to leave, I’m afraid of them wanting to leave because they’ve realized all the negative things about me. They’ve grown disgusted in my behavior. In who I am.
I’m not afraid of getting cheated on, or being forgotten or ignored. I’m afraid that one day, the person I love will no longer love me. They will no longer want to be with me because of who I am. Because of what I’ve done.
So I make excuses, I try to distance myself. To never put my best foot forward. But the thing is, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I just am. Sometimes the fear of loving them is unbearable. And I can’t believe that I am afraid.
But at the same time I can. The most important thing is, I want to love. I want to give my whole heart to this one person. The one person I feel like I trust completely. The one person who created this safe space. To the point where I’ve grown too too comfortable.
My love, you mean the entire world to me. I’m sorry that I’m afraid of giving you my all. But I promise, if you continue to love me and give me time, you’ll have it all.
