Bikes, Beaches and Afternoon Waffles

11 | Unrequited Love

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SONG FOR THE CHAPTER

❝ Lunatic, Lunatic, Lunatic ❞ by Margot & The Nuclear So and Sos

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After a few seconds, I react rather quickly. Once the realization dawns upon me that we almost were being intimate, the socially awkward defense mechanism I have already developed within my brain causes me to jump from the chair and desperately escape the unexpected physical contact. With my stomach in knots, I cringe at the situation.

Casper seems disturbed by my reaction, "What's wrong?" he asks with a confused tone.

"Nothing," I lie to him nervously, but it's quite obvious that I'm anxious about something. Hopefully, I can think of a good reason to excuse myself. I don't want to make a spectacle of myself any more than I already have.

"Is everything okay?" he asks me again, only this time he sounds worried. I think that I hurt his feelings and perhaps he believes I rejected him. Casper frowns slightly and his eyebrows crease together with chagrin. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I assure him timorously with a trembling voice, "Um... I have to use the bathroom! I'm just... Uhh... Yeah, gimme a minute!"

"But, Chloe-"

"I'll be right back!"  

Much to his dismay, I suddenly interrupt the middle of his sentence when I veer around and scamper out of the movie theatre. The last thing I saw before turning the corner was the expression of complete and utter disappointment on his face. It's official... I'm a terrible person. Not only do I feel nauseous, but I feel absolutely guilty. The embarrassed look in his eyes torments me with remorse and shame.

However, my social anxiety only becomes worse... I scramble into the bathroom and frantically grab hold of the counter to balance myself. I'm weak in the knees and can't seem to stop unsteadily swaying back and forth on my feet. Overwhelmed with emotion, I continue to wobble and quiver. My heartbeat is palpitating and my head is throbbing with pain. After succumbing to a pulsating headache, I stare at my haunting reflection in the mirror.

During that moment, I suppress the urge to faint. The chaotic thoughts surge through my mind like a hurricane. I'm consumed by regret and bad memories. The situation with Casper only makes the burden heavier. Unbeknownst to him, I've never been capable of enjoying intimacy. Criticizing myself internally, I hate that I've ruined perhaps my only chance at being close to him. That was such a fucking disaster.

My brain can't seem to process what happened. One minute, I was watching an obnoxious movie and the next, I was almost nuzzled underneath the muscular arms of undeniably the most handsome boy in Seabrooke... Any girl in my position would have been in heaven, but for me it was hell... It's nothing against Casper, it's just that I have many unresolved, personal issues. However, it doesn't seem to register in my mind that I had the opportunity to canoodle with him and still managed to cause a total catastrophe.

I will admit that my reaction was rather dramatic and impulsive. However, that doesn't excuse the fact that I'm a heartless bitch for being so inconsiderate of his feelings. Actually, I'm far worse... I'm a coward. I allowed my fears and insecurities to singlehandedly eradicate any possible chance of my potential happiness. It's quite tragic; my social awkwardness never fails to obliterate everything in its wake. Within only a few seconds, my only source of comfort was snuffed out. He was only trying to be nice, but it's very likely that I could have just destroyed my friendship with Casper.