Random Shit

This is actually a serious chapter.....

Hi guys! So, despite the meme at the top, this is really a serious chapter. So just.... Take it seriously, ok? I'm not coming here looking for sympathy, and I'm not crying out for help, I just need a place where I can talk with someone at least and maybe be heard. A place where I can be safe to talk about who I really am. Here goes.

So as many of you know, I am gay. On the internet, I talk and joke about it, because this is my safe space. I know that I might get judged, but I don't know who the people who are judging me are, so that softens the blow. In real life, I am just a scared, closeted gay that is still waiting for the right time that I will be accepted for who I really am, not for who my grandparents want me to be. I live with my grandparents, and I have no choice but to because my mom can't support me financially. If I were to run away, I would probably die. But if I stay here, I'll probably die emotionally. Every day I wake up and fake happiness for everyone else and cry myself to sleep at night knowing that I can't be who I want and need to be. I know most of you don't know me, and most of you don't even care about me at all, but I don't care. No one else cares anyways. I am not Nada, but I'm not Simon, I am both at the same time but Simon is hidden and crying in a dark corner of my mind. Wishing for a better place to be, anywhere. Every day I wake up and another piece of my sanity is gone. Another bit of my heart shattered. I am sick and tired of sitting here crying in my closet, my soul slowly slipping away as I stare at my raised chest and wish I could change it. Sitting here, staring at the pink, pink, pink, PINK!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF KNOWING WHAT I WANT, BUT BEING DENIED THE FACT THAT I AM NOT NORMAL, OK?!?!?! I AM NOT "NORMAL", AND I NEVER WILL BE!!! I AM GAY AND GENDER FLUID, AND WHY CAN I ADMIT THAT TO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, BUT NOT TWO PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE? Why?

Ok, now that I am semi-calm, I just wanted to say thank you for reading this. If you even made it this far. My grandparents monitor me too close for me to self-harm or commit suicide or run away. Doesn't stop me from trying. I've really been thinking about committing suicide, but I don't think I will. Too much that I would miss out on. Like college. Or adopting kids. Or getting married to a girl once I'm old enough to break free from the barriers that my grandparents put up. Being free. It's a nice thought. Probably never going to happen, but yeah. Why not just kill myself? Why have I not killed myself already? Because I'm too much of a wuss, that's why. Why didn't I take that chance to run away while I still could? Because I would've died. I wouldn't even be here. I never would've discovered this website. I never would've made all of my friends. I never would've met E. Oh E. I really miss you. Life mostly sucks without you. You don't even know I like you in that way. We're just friends. I want to admit to you that I like you but my heart can't handle another rejection. I hope you understand.

I'm..... I'm a terrible person, aren't I? Forcing all of my problems on random people on the internet. I'm sorry, you all should just leave. I'm worthless anyways. I'm sorry. I'll leave.

A very sad thanks,

Fangirly_Randomness