The Sweet Boy That She Loved

Tally Marks

I woke up, moonlight filtering through the window. 5:23 A.M now.

Another one of those dreams.

I opened my sketchbook up to a page with tally marks. I marked one more. "Thirty three." I mumbled to myself, my voice cracking. I don't care about these dreams anymore. They're normal now.

It's been about a month since the beginning of school, and I've had these dreams almost every night, and I've only told two friends so far, Malazia and Emmy. They were always there for me. Or at least so it seemed. I'm just waiting for the moment that they'll leave me in the dust, abandoned by myself. It has happened before, so it will happen again. I know they really don't like me, even if they say that they love me. Love doesn't exist. Just bondage. And when the bondage is gone, there is but a black, endless abyss left. It can be hard sometimes to accept that. The fact that the world is ugly. 

I just feel empty. I feel lonely sometimes, but my parents don't really notice because I started hanging out in my bedroom to draw. Or I go out on the porch until the bus comes, or I just go outside when I feel down. Not necessarily sad. Just.. blue. 

I opened up my sketchbook to a blank page. From the top of my head, I can imagine Lucifer and I wanted to draw him, so I did. I grabbed a mechanical pencil and turned my desk light on, pointing it towards my bed so I could see better.

I drew his face. Smiling.

No, that doesn't seem right. I erased it so I could do better. I made him sitting in a tree on an abandoned planet among the stars with a black hoodie and a pair of shorts. I went into depth with his face, which smiled sadly at the viewer at the photo. A single tear leaked down his cheek and his eyes were completely hazel green. Only white pupils looked back at me. I made his cheeks pink and had him holding a star... Actually, no. Erase that. Holding out his hand to the viewer with a melting heart, the liquid swirling around him. The other hand held a knife.

I pull out a human body book that I got three years ago and opened up to skeletons so I wouldn't get it wrong.

I drew him wearing skull gloves, and his flesh exposing muscle and bone on his face and legs. They hung off of the tree limb that he was sitting on. Then, feeling like something was missing, I added a collection of tally marks fading into the middle of the paper, and blood. The tree was bleeding, and you could see the bark peeling away to expose a heartless ribcage. And the heart was bound in chains, which attached to a binding on his wrist. Leaves swirled and floated off of the tree.

It was completely out of character for both of us, but I liked it. Because to me, the tree was me. Feeling empty, exposing my feelings, while Lucifer peeled away at me and took my heart. He cut it to see it bleed just for fun, and offered it to someone else, but he can't because it is attatched to his wrist. The planet with all of the stories represents how lonely we feel, but there are really so many people looking out for us and we don't realize it.

I signed the paper with the date and my "insignia", just so if anyone got a hold of it, I could prove that it was mine.

I looked up. It was 6:40 A.M on the dot. I used the rest of the time until 7:12 to get ready for school. It was a Monday, and I was so excited for school to start today, that way I could show my friend my drawing. I put on a pair of black ripped jeans with built in fishnets, Tokyo Ghoul shirt with Rize, Ken Kaneki, Touka, and Tsukiama on it, and Tokyo Ghoul crew socks, which were mostly covered up by my black leather combat boots. I pu on a tattoo choker and a black hoodie. Ate breakfast. Brushed my hair and teeth, washed my face, then put deoderant/antiperspirant on, and a spray of perfum on my wrists. I grabbed my blue galaxy backpack and put my cat binder in it, my sketchbook, and my pencil. I grabbed a rice cake and ran to the bus, putting on my lanyard in the process. I was actually early today.

A minute or so passed, and my friend came. I really don't know her real name. I just call her Toad. We talked about anime. Then the bus came.