The Sovereign

Simula

SIMULA

"Are you really not going with us?" Napalingon ako nung narinig kog magsalita si Daddy sa likuran ko. Umiling ang ako sa kanya at ibinalik ang tingin sa laptop ko. I heard him sigh.

"How long will you be like this, Frid? Nahihirapan na ako," He stated and I balled my fists. Hindi ako nagsalita. "You need to remind yourself to continue living, Frid. Alam ko mahirap and it may sound selfish but the world won't stop spinning to sympathize to any of us."

Naramdaman kong naglakad siya papunta sa direksyon ko and I almost run. I don't want this. I hate it.

He kneel in front of me and sigh again as he caress my hair. "It's been 2 years. Get a life, Frida." He whispered gently, urging me to do it as if it is the easiest thing to do. I looked at him.

"I-I don't know, Dad," I honestly stated. "I tried. Sinubukan ko naman pero hindi ko talaga kaya. I can almost hear their screams and see their tears every time I smile, Dad. Para bang pinapaalala sa akin na hindi dapat ako maging masaya." Huminga ako ng malalim at pilit pinapakalma ang sarili.

Dapat ay hindi na ako naiiyak. Hindi na dapat ako umiiyak. Masyado na akong maraming na-iyak at hindi ko alam kung saan pa ito galing. I wanted to stop, I want this to be over.

"Anong nangyari, Frid?" He uttered the words I have been avoiding to answer after all these years.

I looked away and stood up. "I don't want to talk about it." Matigas kong sabi at umiling naman siya.

"Don't you think you owe us an explanation? You gave up military and we didn't question that. Ngayon lang, Frid. Ngayon lang ako manghihingi ng eksplenasyon galing sayo." Mariin at puno ng pagtitimpi niyang tugon at napakagat naman ako sa aking labi.

Hindi ako sumagot. I am too afraid to utter a single word dahil baka pagsisihan ko. Paano ko nga ba sasabihin sa kanya na ang anak niya ay isang kahihiyan sa trabaho at sa sarili ko?

"I need to know why we lost our daughter, Frida. Kailangan kong malaman kung paano ka nawala sa amin. Physically, yes, you're here with us and I am thankful. Pero may nagbago. At alam ko dahil ito sa nangyari noon. Can you please specify? Nahihirapan na kasi kaming manghula." I heard him sob. Bloody hell, I made him cry again. Paulit ulit nalang.

"Dad?" Sabay kaming napalingon nung may kumatok sa pintuan ko. "Daddy, handa na po ang sasakyan." Rinig kog sabi ng kapatid ko. I immediately wipe my tears.

"Y-Yes, coming." Napalingon uli ako sa Daddy ko nung maglakad na siya palayo. He didn't even bother to look back at me. Basta lang siyang naglakad hanggang sa tuluyan siyang nawala sa kwarto ko.

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil ramdam kong nahihirapan akong huminga. I did it again. I push them away again. Napaupo ako sa upuan ng study table ko and I catch a glimpse of what's inside the yahoo news in my laptop.

The families of the fallen 21 who died during the Mindanao encounter reunite again as they celebrate the 2nd death anniversary of their beloved.

Napapikit ako at tuluyan nang humagulhol. Bakit ba kasi hindi nalang ako nasali doon?

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