the good, the bad and maybe poems? + Quotes

Forget me not.

"My stepdad died yesterday. I came back from a week in Scotland. I found out as soon as I came back. He died in a motorbike accident earlier that day.

"I thought my mum was joking; It was just so sudden. I had keep myself from smiling in disbelief, it seemed like a sick joke.

She wasn't joking.

"I went into my room and I just couldn't believe it. The ironing board he had used That morning was still in my room after he forgot to put it away. He was still living in our house, he was in the middle of doing stuff.

Then he died. Just like that."

I feel a painful lump in my throat.

"A day later and it just hasn't sunk in.  Today was pretty normal other than a few visitors. It feels like he's just gone on a day trip. Everyone is speaking to me, saying sorry and asking if I'm ok.

I tell them I'm fine. That I'm ok.

"Everyone else seems to have cried more, seems more upset and heartbroken. Yet I feel empty. Yeah, I have cried, but not for long. A few tears keep escaping, but not many.

I feel normal.

"Everything suggests that I should be distraught, unable to do anything from the overwhelming grief. Yet less than an hour after I heard the news I was at a youth group. I needed I distraction. It worked. A little.

"I'm think I'm acting like usual, just a little tired. But I can't talk about it. Or him. It's sets me off. Hugs do aswell. He loved giving me hugs.

"That's why I'm writing. My throat closes up whenever I get to the word 'dead' or people try to make me talk about it. I can talk about anything else. Nothing else has changed.

I just can't believe it. It doesn't seem real.

"Its like I'm dreaming. I feel like I should be in a nightmare. My world should be ending. But my life has carried on. I can smile.

I laughed today.

"I can't stand people talking about him to me. Seeing his stuff around the house like he only left to pop to the corner shop.

I don't want to be reminded. But I don't want to forget.

Is that wrong?"

They nodd mulling it over for a second "You've never been one for openly expressing feelings. Or to often want to feel large amounts of emotion. Do you think you just don't want to feel it? Maybe because of the pain?"

My throat aches from holding in a sob and my eyes are sore from keeping tears at bay.

"I don't think I don't want to feel. I think I just don't know how.

==

Is there something wrong with me?

I just can't... accept it.