My Heart To Keep

Run, Aida, Run

Aida cringed as she squeezed with all her might. She was desperately trying to secure the last bit of caramel from the conveniently packaged squeeze bottle, but all that came out was air, by the way of an obnoxious farting sound.

"Fuck," she muttered.

"Wow. All that for caramel?"

She looked at her bedroom doorway and saw her mother.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"I am more concerned about the troubled look on your face than the language." Kayleena entered. "What's going on with you?"

Aida tucked her feet underneath her, making room for her mother to sit on the bed.

"Nothing."

"Aid..."

Aida sighed. "Fine. Everything."

Her mother smoothed back her daughter's hair.

"Talk to me, baby girl."

"I screwed up, Mom. Big time. Bigger than usual."

"What is wronged can always be righted, you know that. I always taught you kids..."

"What if everything is wrong, Mom? What if everything is so messed up that no matter what you feel or do or say or no matter how you try to fix things, nothing is ever right?"

Aida could feel the tears welling in her eyes, the strain of emotion cracking as it managed to escape her throat.

"Don't get so upset. Sweetie..."

Aida grabbed her phone and pulled up her e-mail, hands shaking as she showed it to her mother.

Just wanted to let you know that because of you suddenly deciding you want to be a mom, my dad is forcing me to come visit you in a few weeks. The thought makes me want to throw up. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this and why I keep getting put in the middle of your bullshit. You're a stranger. I don't know you, and the only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to. You're not a mother or a best friend. You are a junkie. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just real, and I don't want to get caught up in you trying to prove to everyone what a good person you are now. I don't care that you've changed. I don't care anymore. I don't love you. I've tried to make my heart feel it, but I can't. I don't even know who you are. You say you love me. You say that all the time. If you do, prove it. Cause if you ever loved me, you'll stop. Stop with the phone calls and e-mails and stalking and convincing my dad to let me be with you. Because it's not what I want.

"How is that supposed to make me feel, Mom?"

Kayleena swallowed hard, feeling the sting.

"Honey..."

"I can't fix this, not this time. I just...I can't go back, you know? I hurt her. And it doesn't matter now. To Paloma, it is never going to matter."

Her voice sadly trailed off.

"I'm sorry, baby," Kayleena whispered, rubbing her back.

"I just feel like everything I touch, I destroy," Aida said after a few minutes of silence. "I feel like my life doesn't mean anything, like I have absolutely no purpose."

"That's not true."

"Levi..."

"You never talked about Vegas." Kayleena cleared her throat. "I know you're an adult now and these things are none of my business..."

"I went to Las Vegas because he wanted me there. And I...I was afraid of that. Afraid of what it all would mean. But I went and we were together and it was magical. For one night everything was perfect."