Fin (Irondad)

3

9 Years and 34 Weeks Ago

Tony Stark was not unfamiliar with oxygen deprivation.

The burning and twisting of his lungs, incessant thumping of his heart in his seemingly flimsy rib cage, the onslaught of useless, airy thoughts were in many ways reminiscent of a distant and distasteful relative.

He wished he was unfamiliar with oxygen deprivation.

Unfortunately, PTSD happens to be an occupational hazard of superhero-ing, so it's no surprise that panic attacks often reared their ugly heads.

But this was different. This wasn't aliens or tin-man copycats, it was nothing he could punch or blast into another dimension. A baby, his baby, was so different to all of that. This was a life form, one which he would be responsible for. It was no secret amongst the team that Tony had issues with self-preservation, that his sleeping and eating schedules left much to be desired; how the hell was he supposed to schedule sleeping and eating for a baby?

As soon as Anais left the room his veil slipped. The supposed reflex of oxygen intake was abandoned in place of hyperventilation, fast-paced redundant breaths plaguing his body. On instinct his hand flew to his chest, clawing at his shirt as though tearing his skin to shreds would relieve an ounce of the sheer terror.

An echo of Jarvis' familiarity made it through his wall of panic and into his ears, but all his brain managed to register was that the voice was safe.

It was only a matter of minutes - agonising, breathless minutes but minutes all the same - before Pepper Potts' authority could be sensed, seconds before she burst through the office door.

A picture of organisation and efficiency, Pepper Potts was a beacon of light in the messy cave that became Tony's life after his parents' deaths. Imperfectly immaculate, is an appropriate description, in her appearance, words, actions. She's perfect.

Every single time she entered a room, the ice-cool billionaire had to take a moment to pretend he wasn't smitten, she was a curse to his facade. There was an extensive list in his mind which he checked through each time he found himself staring: Melty eyes? Red cheeks? Fluttery chest?

That time, when she entered the room there was no check list, the panic only increased. What if he'd fucked it all up with Pepper? What if she didn't want kids? If she turned around right then and left forever? What then?

Through his blinding panic he didn't notice as Pepper took in his anxious form and crouched next to his chair. Her hands came to rest on his body, one on his shoulder and the other preventing his hand from clawing at his shirt. He was unaware of what she was saying, but it was soft and gentle and before he knew it he was breathing like a regular human being.

The room was spinning and his heart was pounding, but his lungs were regaining something of their natural function and Pepper's face was coming into focus in front of his eyes, that in itself was a notable improvement.

"-t's it, good ,Tony, just breathe", her voice was light and careful, as though afraid that she'd speak too loudly and cause him to dip back into an ocean of panic.

"Pep I.." he trailed off, unable to think of a tactical way to lay his words, especially with anxiety clouding his vision and the freshness of the situation, "Pep I did something really stupid".

She blinked, "Stupid? How stupid are we talking here Tony? Stupid as in you got someone pregnant or stupid as in you signed a dodgy contract?".

He blanched.

It was as if karma had been waiting. It was as though every single reckless, irresponsible, tactless action in his inconsequential life had stacked up to that moment. If Tony Stark believed in God he'd have been 100% certain that that particular instance was set up by a higher power with the pure intention of acquired revenge.

Nothing had ever been crueller.

"Both, Pepper, I did both".

***

The aftermath had been messy, there had been shouting and swearing and crying, both engaged in total inner turmoil. It felt to Tony like some twisted fever dream, the events of the day still not completely sinking in.

Hot, white rage boiled in his veins. He wanted to pretend that it was directed at Pepper, or Anais, or even his unborn baby, but when he fell back into another round of hyperventilation he had to accept that the only person he was truly angry at was himself. He was an idiot.

He'd been disgustingly lucky that he hadn't impregnated someone before then, it was as much his responsibility as it was hers. That baby was relying on him for some sense of stability in his life, Tony Stark may have been the only human being on Earth willing to make him feel wanted. And if not, that would've been on him.

Howard Stark was cold. He was cruel, indifferent and arguably heartless. His suck-it-up form of 'parenting' was perhaps the perfect stepping stone in the formation of Tony's twisted and messed-up life. Tony was determined to take that resentment with him to his grave.

If he were to abandon that child (not that he could once he'd signed the contract), there'd have been a strong possibility that he'd simply continue the cycle. If Tony had managed to fuck up another human being, he'd never have forgiven himself.

Both the billionaire and his ceo had fallen silent, turning the news over and over in their heads, trying to make sense of it. At some point they'd both come to sit on the floor, backs against the glass wall which overlooked New York City. Of course, Tony already knew what he had to do, he just had to figure out how to make it sound reasonable to anybody that wasn't living in his messy brain.

"I've got to be better than my dad, Pep".

She looked up, silent but seemingly searching his face for something, "You really mean it, don't you? You're going to raise this child".

He nodded, looking down at his hands for a moment before meeting her eyes, "I can't abandon him".

"Him?".

In all honesty, he hadn't even realised the pronoun had slipped out, and the explanation for it sounded stupid coming out of his mouth, "Yeah she uh-" he surprised himself with the chuckle that escaped him, "She's adamant it's a boy".

A ghost of a smile passed over Pepper's lips as she nodded slowly, "If you're serious about this Tony, if you know exactly what you're doing and you're going to raise this child to the best of your ability.. then I am with you every step of the way".

And suddenly, the task didn't seem so daunting.