Fatal

Chapter 1

21st September 2018
"As I play with my fingers, fumbling with the pen tonight, I know the last few hours remain unexplainable. Here's a demo.
My heart sank as I uttered the sentences to my step father, whose real daughter Leslie from his ex wife Janet, I had killed a month ago. A representation of the tsunami of terror in my heart was physically radiated through my shaky legs and sweaty hands, as I asked for my bathroom's plumbing to be refreshed since he disagreed to pay 5 dollars on behalf of his step daughter to an actual plumber. The frown upon his face immediately illustrated to a heavy sigh, a frustrated shake of head as he grabbed his tools and proceeded towards my room. Having spent hours correcting the faults he had ignored each time for the past years, I apologetically made a jug of lemonade, knowing my anxiety will have it to no other way. At the doorstep, he looked up to me with an expression that translated "I hate you with every last inch of my heart. You're disgusting, you're bad luck, you make us suffer". Forced to avoid eye contact when my knew my heart could take no more, I gently offered him the lemonade, only to have it poured all over the floor the next second I blinked. The anger, I could see it in his eyes, that one swift motion he chose to reject my offering was well illustrated in my brain, as I turned away to bury myself in the regret and guilt I've carried for the past month, my father's murmurs echoing in my ears "Made me a servant... biggest regret to accept her... should've killed her the first time...  should order a casket I might as well do someday."
Now, transition to the other side of the story.
I walked down the stairs of my very own house, but every step felt like a plank at the edge of a skyscraper since killing myself was all I could think about. I needed that room, my pillow to dry the tears that swelled in my eye but the least I could do was vanish from his vision. Might as well someday.
I immediately grabbed the kitchen chair to sit upon, the effects of my anorexia kicking in, surrounding me in darkness. I hadn't eaten for a day. "Good going, keep it up" encouraged a voice in my brain, well I'm happy I'm making someone proud.
I thought about the chicken and potatoes seated on a garbage bag in my dustbin, that my mother had beautifully set and placed on my bedside as I pretended to sleep, avoiding contributing to my father's disappointment at the dinner table. I didn't want to break a family every night through the arguments and slow disappearances from the table. If Michelle was happy being "Michelle Roberts" I might as well suffer for my mother. I hated crawling into bed before dinner every night, tossing the deliciousness resting on a china plate on my nightstand into the garbage, wasting my mother's efforts. I am forced, can never build up the guts to say "Hey mom, I'm anorexic" now can I?"
Trembling at the thought of my father's reaction when he'd see my sitting on his $10,000 suede couch, imported from Italy and not worthy of "any piece of shit sitting upon it" I ditched TV and rushed to my room as my father's silhouette appeared in the staircase. "My father" huh. That word had lost meaning ever since I've been 4 years old.
Staring at the reflection in my mirror, I could picture all the expected comments in my head. "Ew you're so fat, such a mess. You look like a troll, put some more makeup on, cake face, your hair resemble a lizard, you cow." That's my anxiety, to the point where my own reflection says that to me. I highlighted every bone, my ribs, arms, collar bones, I looked like flesh and skin draped over a skeleton, so roughly and out of proportion, but that just isn't  enough. I want more.
So, here I sit with this pill bottle clutched in my hand every night as I cry into my pillow, regretting my very existence. I couldn't wait for mother's business trip to arrive, without her around dad wouldn't care about me either and I'd be granted the freedom to chug down the pills rattling in the glass bottle.
But who needs suicide when you're already dead? Killed by your mother's husband?"

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A longer update! will try to adapt a regular updating schedule :) Like, vote and please comment if you want me to continue.