"Lian! baka gusto mong masunog lahat ng libro mo!" sigaw ni mama mula sa first floor.
I shut my eyes. Every time she would start saying shits about me , reading books , Hindi na iyan titigil!
I got her point but I hope she would understand my point too. I hate socializing!
"Don't make the food wait!" She added.
She's so annoying. I couldn't concentrate anymore! Fine, she won!
Kinuha ko ang bookmark ko at Nilagay sa kung anong pahina na ako. I closed the book and put it on my study table.
I love reading novels. For me , Reading novel reduces anxiety. It also kills boredom. I have been reading since I was 12 years old , during that time I was very sad and I wanted to escape, so I read.
Hanggang sa hinahanap-hanap ko na. Kapag natapos ko ang isa aklat , hanap na naman panibagong babasahin.
Bumaba na ako at pumunta sa kusina.
"Tumawag yung papa mo..." bungad ni mama.
Hinila ko ang upuan na katapat ng kanya at umupo.
"He asked me if have you already decided about it?" Oh shit!
Nanatiling blanko ang mukha ko. As if Wala akong pakealam pero ang totoo kinakabahan ako! Still Undecided.
Nakakafrustrate rin maging ako!
Why don't I have goals in life? Ganito nalang ba ako lagi?
Umiling ako. Kumuha ng ulam. Pinipigilan kong tumingin kay mama baka malaman niya iyong totoo.
"Why? anong plano mo Lian?! you are just going to read forever? kailangan mong mag-aral para sa kinabukasan mo! Buti pa si krizia , she was consistent honor student and you can see that she's really goal-oriented. How about you Lian? When will you start planning and strive for your future? "
Bakit ganito si mama? Alam niya bang ayaw ko rin sa sarili ko? She doesn't know how much I hate myself. Wala talaga akong clue kung anong kukunin kong kurso. I'm trying to be a good daughter. I'm trying believe me! but it saddens me when I cannot make them happy because they want something that I cannot do. They want me to achieve something.
What should I do? I cannot meet their expectations. Ako lang to eh! who can't know everything , ako lang to who has limitations!
"Ma, maghahanap muna ako ng trabaho. I haven't decided yet about my course. No pressure please" nawalan nako ng gana. Uminom ako ng tubig ramdam ko ang pagkadismaya ni mama. Ang malalim niyang buntong hininga.
Tumayo ako.
"Where are you going ? Kinakausap pa kita lian. Did I teach you to act like that?" I rolled my eyes. Fuck this!
Umupo ako ulit
"Sorry"
"Since you don't have plans.Gusto ng papa mo na sa D.U ka mag-aaral.He has a friend there to help you in, without taking the entrance exam" what? It's too unfair for those students who took entrance exam just to be qualified in that University. Napakataas ng standards nila tapos ako effortless na makakapasok do'n? damn connections.
"Then what ma? I have no fucking idea what course I should choose" malungkot kong sagot sa kanya. Pessimistically speaking.
"Let your papa decide for it. Are you done? Go to your room and sleep early. Don't waste your time for that worthless book"
It hurts when my mother gave negative comments about books. She didn't know books help me to cope up. She didn't know seven years ago a book saved my life. They do not care when I feel blue , Where are they when I need comfort from them? I myself , only face it and my way to at least lessen the pain is to read.
