Gift or Curse.

CHAPTER 1 'Hello, I am Rumbi.'

                                       

"Rumbi I'm leaving, prepare fish stew for supper," said my mother as she hurried off to work. 
"Ok mommy, good day," I responded as I closed the door to the lounge which she had left open.
My name is Rumbidzai so you can call me Rumbi or simply Rhue just like my mom does. At the age of twenty-one I feel like I have had enough of life. You might be wondering why I feel like life is a mess at my age when they say life begins at forty. Well, I have an independent mind; I don't base my thoughts on other people’s philosophies. Don't get me wrong I do take advice but only when it makes sense to me. My perception of life has nothing to do with my family's financial status because I come from a middle earning family. I was born an emotional being, harsh words would make me cry and I have been depressed for a long time. There is a deep void I feel inside me; this life I live I often wonder whether it’s a gift or a curse. If it is a gift it’s supposed to be enjoyable but sometimes why does it offer more sorrow than joy? 
Life just fails to make sense to me! I can't understand myself so how am I supposed to look towards the future? I wonder why I really was sent on earth. At least if I find my purpose, life begins to make sense. I think I do know my purpose though, deep inside me I know I'm a game changer so I kind of believe I'm here to make a positive change but I don't know how. It seems I lack a platform to do so, or maybe I should create one.
Maybe life is a curse because if I was never here alive, I would be free from these worldly problems. My mind goes deep to wish if the egg that became me was not the one fertilized. I feel so much pressure in my mind, the doctors say I'm depressed but I'm told I cannot be stressed at a young age since I’m not married and my family provides for me. I will never try seeking counseling from anyone since the attempts I did ended up with me getting no solutions or even getting a chance to explain my feelings fully as my feelings were taken for granted. Sometimes I just want to open my counseling office and be there for all the stressed, depressed or anxious.
Even a five-year-old can stress maybe due to bullying or abuse but majority ignore the feelings of the young ones not knowing they are ruining a future. If only I had a platform to make a change or maybe, I should create a platform but how I just wonder. That's me for you, an activist, game changer, go getter and motivator within yet succumbing to the manipulation of depression.

Chapter 2
An unexpected incident

After my mother leaves for work, I decide to sit and write a speech, poem or song that justifies that life is a gift and dedicate it to all suicidal people because these days I get a lot of suicidal thoughts. I really respect and value God and that's why I'm still alive. I sit for a while and fail to come up with justification on life as a gift considering how some people live miserably no matter how good they are or how other people are tormented by spiritual curses and omens of crimes committed by their ancestors and not them.
I think of this other lady whom I know who shows dedication to God by adhering to all church requests, she fasts a lot and she helps a lot yet her only child has health problems which are never ending. I always contemplate on another elderly relative of mine who had a blissful wedding but has no child for four years now then I fail to get the logic about life. 
I reflect upon my life, I have always had health problems and due to stress, I now have a left side and heart problem as well as severe headaches which the doctors speculate may result in a brain tumor. I don't remember when I last felt hungry yet I have to force a meal every day to prevent ulcers since I already have high acid content in my tummy.
I wonder how I am supposed to plan for the future, for instance dating and hoping to get married one day and have a happy family, this seems pointless since I might die early and live my future children motherless. I just begin to feel a deep lump on my throat and before I know it, my tears are trickling down my cheeks. I feel that I cannot live a lie any more… I say a lie because every day I pretend to be happy when I'm not. I stand up and head for the kitchen unit’s top shelf. I open it and take this packet full of tablets not bothering to read what they are for.
I fill a big pink tumbler with water then I sit on the floor with my back on the couch. I gulp all the tablets in the packet. As soon as I am done taking all these tablets, I feel not just pain but an excruciating one. I pick up the packet to try and read what is written and for now that's all I know…

Chapter 3
Crossing over

I am failing to figure out what is going on. I’m wondering if I lost my memory because I cannot remember anything related to this rocky place I am standing in. I can't help but look around the place searching for familiar faces but there are none. A sense of fear is slowly creeping inside me and I find myself staring at the sky only to have my senses alerted by an angry tone calling my name. I turn around to find a middle aged man dressed in a white t-shirt, blue jean trousers and white tackies staring at me gawking with a stern face who then signals me with his thumb to go where he stands. As I reach where he is, he moves silently to another stone and sits there. It's sunny but I feel hot like I have never felt before. 
I scream and shout, "I just want to die; I can't take this!” The man laughs and I feel his laughter in a noisy and echoing manner then he suddenly shouts, “Fool, you are dead!” As soon as he said that, I felt normal again. I get really confused, I open my mouth to ask what's going on but he quickly puts a finger on his mouth signaling me to shut up. Suddenly, I feel like I'm rotating in a spiraling motion then I just find myself in a hospital, in front of me is an old woman sleeping since it’s a hospital after all. 
I figure out she is admitted but I don't understand how she has anything to do with me. The voice of a woman crying while praying takes my attention. The voice articulates pain, emotion and it sounds familiar. If I had a sick relative I would think it’s my mother’s voice. I turn around to look at the pathetic woman so that I can see her face and to my surprise, it is my mother in the clothes she was wearing in the morning. 
I wonder whose hand she is holding. I move closer and get the shock of my life. She is holding my hand while I'm also standing here as if I am divided. She is murmuring something while she is crying but I cannot hear her. I call her but she is cannot hear me either. I touch her but she does not respond. It feels like I’m just like a gentle zephyr.   
A nurse walks in and I recognise his face, it is Chris my high school friend. He greets my mother who just stares at him and asks him a question I'm surprised I could hear, she says, "What wrong have I committed in being Rumbi’s mother? I tried the best I could as a mother but still she chose to hurt the whole family. She should have asked for adoption if we were not good enough for her!" She started sobbing and I feel a lot of pain but I am surprised I cannot cry. 
“Tears are God's gift for humans so as to suppress pain but since you went against God and gave up your life you should find your own way of relieving pain that abnormal intense pain you are feeling,” says a voice coming from behind me. I turn my back to find the elderly man I met earlier. I ask the man his name but he says I should call him travelling manager or just ‘T.M’. I walk over to him and I ask him why I am in a hospital when I’m dead but before he responds, my attention is caught by a doctor who moves past us and stands next to my bed as he places his stethoscope somewhere on my chest, I mean the chest of the body from which I had disembodied. 
Teary eyed mother asks the doctor if I will wake up and the doctor says, “She is in a coma, she might or might not wake up.” My mother cries audibly and leaves, at this moment I just wish if I could absorb all the pain she is feeling. “T.M, am I dead? Why am I appearing at two places at the same time?” I ask. I find myself moving in a spiral headed back to the rocky place…