Tell me how it feels sitting up there. Feeling so high but too far away to hold me. You know I'm the one that put you up there. Name in the sky does it ever get lonely. Thinking you could live without me."
~ Halsey ~
I come home to my boyfriend on the ground passed out. Drunk, High, OD'd, I don't know. This is the risk that I have to take every day. He stays on too much stuff to keep count.
I've tried to leave, but I'm all he's got. Don't get me wrong, he's never hit me or has made me do anything I didn't want, but I'm really starting to get tired of this. Every day it's the same thing.
I walk towards him and kneel down to make sure he's still breathing. Luckily he is, "Babe, wake up."
He hits my hand away so I think he's high. He's a sleepy stoner and a hyper drunk. How he can become such a different person with each I don't know.
"Babe for real let's get in the bed."
"It's fine you can leave me here. It's comfortable I'll be ok." I'm not going to leave him on the floor and he knows that. I try to drag him to the room. He's two times my size but if I don't do it who will. Once he's in bed I go to the bathroom and take a shower. Back in the room I get in bed next to him. I guess he felt my presence and rolled over to face me.
"Babe I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. I hope you know that." He says things like this every time he's under the influence. I just hope he stops this and soon.
When I wake up the next day he's already gone. He can't be at work they recently laid him off. Our only income is my 3 checks. Knowing him he could literally be anywhere.
I came back from work and It's nine o'clock at night and he isn't home yet, and I've heard no word from him.
Two hours later he walks in the house with a brown paper bag in his hand. He's not drunk but he's pushing it.
"Where have you been!?"
"I was out,"
"You were gone before eight this morning. Do you know how worried I was. You could've been hurt and I wouldn't have known."
"Well, I'm ok as you can see."
"You know what I'm really tired of this."
"of what?"
"Of you, I've taken care of you since we were in college. Every day I come home from my three jobs to see you on the floor passed out or in the bathroom puking your guts out. When I come home, I don't know if I'm going to see you dead on the floor or walking around like a chicken with its head cut off. You don't know how it feels to be scared that something's going to happen to the person closest to you every day.
You don't know what it's like to have all your friends and family abandon you because if someone else. All I do is to try and provide for you but that blow's up in my face daily. But I ignore it because I know I'm all you have and I don't want to leave you on your own like that.
Now I'm just fed up, and I think the only way to teach you how to act is to leave. I promise you I love you and would never hurt you but this is the only way you'll learn. I can't always be there to make sure you're taken care of I need to take care of myself before anyone else and I just hope you get that."
I leave him in the living room stunned as I walk to the bedroom to pack my things and go. I don't have anywhere to go but maybe there's someone who'll take me in for the time being.
I pack everything I absolutely need and head for the door.
"Babe, please don't go. I love you." He pleads and grips my hand preventing me from leaving the house.
"I love you too but this is the only way you'll get it. You've got to learn to live without me. You don't have to tell me anything to try and get me to stay because it's not going to work. I've put you too far up and now I've got to bring you back down. I hope you get better someday." I smile saying the last thing truly meaning it.
He lets me go and I look back through the door one more time before I say goodbye to this chapter in my life and I'm ready to start a new one.
Taking the bus I get dropped off across from a long lost memory. I knock on the door and hope there's an answer because it is twelve o'clock in the morning. After the second knock, I hear a familiar voice.
"Do you know what time-,"
"Momma," I break down right there.
"My baby, honey come here. Our babies back."
"I'm here to stay, at least for a little while."
"Stay as long as you need. Oh, I've missed you so much."
