my own lights

chapter four: a different kind of fear

rivulys p.o.v

i don't know how to tell Filma that her gaze scares me. the last time someone looked at me that intensely they took over my mind. they took over my actions and gave me hope.

the idea of hope scares me too. lately i've found reason to be scared of anything. but now i'm scared of giving in to filma.

there's a football field between what could be and what can't. all i know now is taking care of my younger siblings. feeding them, washing them, teaching them about our religion. the mother is in charge of polishing the eldest to perfection so they can polish the one below them and the chain goes on. i have four younger than me that i have to shine to my mother's standards.

thinking of them now, with filma so close to touch, gives me a shock back to reality.

i come to art fairs, yes also mainly for the gay ones. my mother thinks i'm at islamic school instead. it doesn't make me feel guilty that i'm here instead- it's what i deserve. some pleasure from someone that has started to show interest in me is also what i deserve.

i turn to filma, and her eyes dart away from me as if i didn't know she was watching me. i've never met anyone like her before. her sharp jaw went will with her boyish style. her bright blue hair was a pleasant surprise everytime i looked at it. and her eyes enchanted me. they were wide and seemed to take everything in. her lashes were thicker around the edges.

every move filma made, made me clench my thighs together. even her hands, large with long nimble fingers.

"why haven't you come out?" she asks me. inside i let out the deepest unheard of sigh. if only she knew.

"my family's muslim. a lesbian muslim is unheard of." i look down at my scarf that i left discarded on the floor when it fell off. filma watches were my eyes land and gets up to get it for me.

it's a light gray and she holds it delicately in her hand. when i reach my hand out to take it she hooks it around my neck to pull me closer.

the distance between us now is the closest we've ever been. i look up at her and she clutches the scarf tightly in her hands. i stand up to her chest and i feel the heat radiating between us.

"you know you don't have to hold the scarf anymore, i'm close enough and nothing can make me back away." i joke but i'm cut off by her lips.

they push against mine softly and i freeze. i really should've thought this through.

i kiss back, even softer. her lips feel even better on me than looking at them was. she brings a hand that shakes softly,
up to my check and i thread my hands around her neck.

she lowers her hands to my waist and deepens the kiss. my whole body is aflame with heat and i wish we could do it right here right now under the lesbian painting.

she takes a hold of my bottom lip, softly nibbling, before going back to kissing me with passion. she stops and pulls away, pressing her thumb against my lip and smiling. i pull away too.

"what was that for?" i ask her. and her smile widens. she pulls me back in, kissing me again.

"something i've thought of doing when i first met you." she says in between kisses. she moves to a spot behind my ear and i let out a quiet moan. not quiet enough though, because i feel her smile against my skin.