The Smell Before Rain

Part 2

"Hey," I say a little louder. As I hear 'Far Behind' by Candlebox start playing.

He turns to me with a serious face. "What?" For a second I debate saying nothing at all but I can't stay silent. "Nothing. You can just be such a-"

Suddenly Mason is getting off the road again, I watch his phone fly across the dash and try to catch it but it slips right through my hands. Reaching down to grab it I realize Mason is staring at me impatiently.

He snatches his phone from my hand and looks out his window. "Get out," he says finally looking back at me.

I'm silent for a moment trying to make sense of what he's saying. "What?"

He looks angry and his voice is just a little louder when he speaks again, "Can you just get the fuck out? I'm not doing this shit with you anymore."

"Are you fucking crazy? We're in the middle of nowhere. Where the hell am I supposed to go?"

He won't look at me, "There's a hotel just up ahead."

"Mason!" I want to yell at him, curse, I really want to punch him in the face but he won't even look at me. I get out of the car realizing there's nothing else I can do. I can't fight him so I grab my phone and slam the door right before he drives off leaving me standing in a cloud of dust. In that moment I realize my CD is still in his truck! Damn it! That Candlebox CD was my favorite and he knew that! Fuck! I feel so stupid, for so many things, mostly because I didn't see something like this coming.

I had blocked out all the screams of doubt that began to get louder and louder after that night. The night he called me and I could hear doubt and regret in his voice.

"Erin, wake up," he said.

"Mason?" I looked at my clock which said it was 3:47 in the morning. And I sat up quickly in bed wondering if he was close by. "Where are you?"

"Home," He said in a low voice.

"What's wrong?" I asked because it wasn't like him to call me from his home.

"I don't think I can make it this weekend. I can't do this anymore."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and had no air to breathe. I couldn't breathe and felt the room start spinning. When I found my voice it was barely there. "You don't want to be with me anymore then?" I tried to keep my voice from shaking. I tried to pretend I was so tired that I couldn't be bothered enough to care, just wanted to get off the phone.

"I don't know," was all he seemed to be able to say. "I can't... I just don't know."

"Mason?" I shook my head as if he could see me. "We don't have to go anywhere together. You don't have to see me again, we can stop all this tonight. I won't call you anymore..." I could hear him breathing heavy on the other side of the phone. "I'm going back to bed. Just leave me alone." I hung up after that and barely slept that night but I had known it wasn't over. I knew that he'd come back around after a few days. He'd come back, he always came back.

And I had been right that time but as I stood in the middle of nowhere watching him drive away, he took my confidence with him. I feel a small tear sliding down my cheek but I can't move even enough to get rid of it. I'm frozen in that moment and hope that the wind dries my face. Maybe he will come back, do I even want him to come back? I did. I loved him. So why doesn't it hurt more? Because I saw it all coming? Because there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that this is it, that it has to be the end, that I've lost him. This time feels different somehow and I can feel it. I can't hold onto us anymore. I know I'll miss him, I miss him already, nothing makes sense without Mason but a small part of me doesn't want him to come back anymore. Timing. It was the timing. Our timing was never right.

Mason was the first guy I had ever been with who was married. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, it had felt wrong especially at first but I loved Mason. It wasn't some drunken mistake, it wasn't someone to fill empty moment with, he was all the important moments. My moments without him were the empty ones. But you can't ever tell someone that not in that type of situation. I had to pretend I didn't care. But pretending had become so exhausting. His marriage seemed a failure to me, a very broken thing even before me. But after two years of sneaking around I had begun to wonder if he'd ever leave her. She wasn't a topic we ever discussed though. It's a strange feeling that I have. I know I can live someone else, I just don't want to. But I don't want to keep going on with it either.

I look around at the lonely road ahead and behind me. It all seems to have changed somehow. I can almost hear the storm coming, it's almost here. And the road, I'm not sure where it leads anymore, I'm alone now. I guess I always have been but for the first time I feel alone. I'm so scared to do this without him. There are no signs of life for miles, it seems. Moving seems impossible, hoe can I leave the spot where he left me? I know he's coming back, it's just a matter of time, but how can I stay? I'm so tired of waiting for him. That first step isn't easy but I take it, and I tell myself to just keep walking, keep walking without looking back. I tell myself that every single step away from that spot will be easier than the last.