being lonely | minsung | ✔

33

The next morning, I'm conflicted between wanting to see everyone at school and not wanting to see them. The reason why is unknown to me; I sat on my bed in utter confusion when I realized what kind of war was going on inside my head. I still have no idea why I'm suddenly nervous about seeing everyone at school today, mostly referring to Minho.

There's a part of me that feels relieved after the conversation with my mom yesterday. As long as I hide the truth, I can talk to her and vent about how lonely I sometimes feel, how much I want to disappear and be reborn into a different life -where I can be myself without hiding, but I'm not telling her that. But there's also a part that feels uneasy and restless as if something's stirred within me. The problem is, I have no idea what. It makes me feel anxious.

The doubts that fill my head plus the fact that there are only four classes today make the cut to my final decision; I'm skipping school today and take the hours of detention that follow without complaining. I can just call in sick but then I have to stay home all day, something I'm not looking forward to, either. I'll make my mom believe that I'm off to school -I don't have to worry about my dad, who is already off to work- and then venture into the streets of Seoul, or something like that. Maybe I'll just crash into the hammock Minho and I found earlier, spending the day there until I feel like the fog inside my head has cleared enough to feel at ease again.

To avoid suspicions, I slip into my freshly washed uniform before I wash up in the bathroom and head downstairs, where the smell of pancakes enters my nostrils. I find my mom in the kitchen, humming a happy melody as she places a staple of pancakes on a place before she turns around, ready to move the plate to the table with her hands clad in oven mittens.

A soft smile makes its way to her face as she finds me standing in the doorway.

"Good morning, sweetie. Slept well?" she informs and I nod a few times in response. 

"Can I take a few pancakes to go?" I ask, pointing towards the plate she placed in the center of the table, right in between two seats opposite of each other. "Hyunjin wanted to meet early, for some reason, and I have to go."

Mom's smile falters and I feel a pang of guilt. It was obvious she wanted to eat breakfast together for once and I hate the fact that I decide to wake up as a mess on this particular day. She doesn't make breakfast that often since she's often either already from home or preparing to leave any minute as I wake up for school.

"I guess it can't be helped, then," she smiles sadly before turning around to dig up a clean lunch box from one of the kitchen cabinets. When she gets back up, she gently places a few pancakes in it before closing the lid and setting it on the kitchen table, ready for me to take.

"I'm sorry, mom," I whisper, not even daring to look at her at this point. "Thank you."

"It's okay, sweetie," she states reassuringly. "We can eat together another time, have fun at school today!"

With a small wave, I dash into the hallway where I rest my back against the door as soon as I closed it behind me. Closing my eyes, I let out a small sigh. Just because my mind is too much of a mess to deal with anyone right now, I turn into a stupid liar and I feel terrible about it.

Shaking off the nagging guilt that gnaws at my subconsciousness, I slip on my shoes before I grab my school bag -just to keep up this game of pretending to actually go to school- and then I leave the house, closing the door behind me. Then I walk off, heading in the opposite direction of where I should go.

I dig deep into my memories, hoping to remember where that particular playground was. It wasn't too far away but skillfully hidden in a maze of streets carved through the residential area. I don't expect to find it, to be honest. I just hope I will, that playground had something peaceful the last time I was there and I can use a little peace right now.

As I leave the street I live in behind, I whip out my phone from my pocket to send a quick text to Hyunjin, telling him that I won't come to school today. Knowing Hyunjin, my phone will blow up if I don't send him a message that explains my absence.

With my phone still in my hands, I dig out my earbuds and select a playlist to accompany me on my search for that one playground. It's a long playlist full of South-Korean rappers, going from Zico to Zelo and all the way back to Mobb.

Just as I stuff the device back inside my pocket, it buzzes, signalling a message that's most likely from Hyunjin. I don't even bother to come up with a response, I don't feel like explaining at the moment.

Today, the sun isn't that hot, much like yesterday. It's a pleasant warmth rather than a bothersome heat that makes everything sticky and uncomfortable. The streets are as good as empty, with everyone being either at work, school or doing chores at home. It's perfect outside, if you'd ask me.

It isn't long before I venture further into the residential area of this part of Seoul. These streets are unknown to me and yet, there's something familiar about them. It's like I have no reason to know this place but still have memories of being here once, which is exactly what I'm looking for.

Along the streets I walk through are now many small playgrounds and if I remember correctly, these lead to the larger playground that I'm aiming for. Unconsciously, I pick up the pace as I walk over the sidewalk, hoping that my sense of direction didn't betray me and this is indeed the right way.

Accompanied by the beat of Mino's rap and the relief that washes over me as I find the hammock, I nearly forgot about the reason why I'm here. The walk on it's own was enough to clear a tiny bit of the raging thoughts in my mind and I hope being in a place with good memories, chirping birds and a soft breeze will help to bring further peace in this turmoil.

Sighing, I let myself fall into the hammock, causing it to sway back and forth a little. My legs dangle over the edge and I close my eyes as I allow my body to relax. But I soon open them again and stare up at the blue sky. Small fluffy clouds drift past and I can't help but smile a little as I think back to those times where Minho would swear a cloud resembled something.

Minho. My life really turned upside down since I met him, huh? Some things became easier and overall, I feel so much better. Yet, at the same time, he makes things more complicated. I was a pro in not falling for anyone, to save myself from the trouble of liking a boy when being gay is seen as a sin by your parents. But then Minho barged in and I fell hard. He brought an eternal and restless conflict into my head and I find myself struggling with it more and more often. But I regret nothing. Meeting the older boy is the best thing that happened to me.

But things can't go on like this forever. It's a mess and it needs to be fixed somehow, for everyone's sake. I just have to figure out how.