The Art of Killing You

A Walk by the Lake, a Song of Peace and Heartbreak.

In my head, I am this sad-sad person. This lonely lone earthling, this mad-mad villain who doesn't have anything but a closet full of enemies and a year of bad season. The irony is all the enemies I have are just myself.

Just me, cursing myself... in different voices, with endless noises and a string of guilt for the choices I am yet to make.

There's a song in my head, it plays as I walk along the rails of a bridge above a lake. The breeze is cold and calming, but I am sad and in heartbreak.

It's a song of sadness... it's a song, numb.

By the rapper, Jahseh Onfroy.

The song is of high base, it speaks to how much of a mess, how much less I want to live.

It elevates in sorrow as he sings about his drowning tears. My hearts pace rises as he talks about his unforgettable promises and fears.

Then, it all falls. The beat drops and the hype goes. All that is heard is a 'whoa oh' with an acoustic support in the back.

And in this moment of the song, I imagine myself falling off the bridge to the cold water. I imagine flight to nothingness, I imagine the drowning daughter.

I think about the wailing wet ride... and in this moment of the song, I contemplate suicide.

Then it ends, and I continue to walk. Remembering Ian, and the unusual talk. A part of me imagined being more excited that I met him, so I wonder if I had actually met him.

I think about the song, Jahseh's lost voice echoes of wrong. He sings,

"And every single year

I'm drowning in my tears

I'm drowning in my tears again

I can't seem to forget the pain I seem to give

The pain I seem to give my friend

Whoa oh"

I know Jahseh wrote his song to speak to the depression in people. For me, it was the opposite, like an anthem for suicide, I was quite the sicko.

It made me wonder what it be like to jump over and go on the deadliest of rides, today I had contemplated suicide.