Forget Me Not | l.h. [coming soon]

Prologue

6 Months ago. Six months went by since Michael's death. Those six months were the worst months in my life. I mean before he died I knew that he was sick, he told me, but who knew he'd be that sick? He said everything would be alright. He just had a little heart problem, were his words. He never mentioned that he needed a new heart. I went mental when he told me about his little heart problem and that's the possible reason that he didn't tell me the full truth. I mean who would? He loved me so much that he just knew it will destroy everything. I should've known it because he wanted to spend every day with me, every single day! I didn't complain I mean I loved him. Who am I to complain about hanging out with my boyfriend, that I madly loved, everday? Two months, for exactly two months we hung out everyday, before he passed away. And every single day he told me how much he loved me. It sounds like a beautiful love story, doesn't it? Not to me! Not even a beautiful tragedy! More like a terrible tragedy! You should know that Michael was my first boyfriend. We were together for a year and a half and before him I surely can promise you that I didn't believe in love or anything like that. My friends always were those love at first sight, - true love exists kind of people and always told me that I should stop being so negative about the beautiful things in life. I always thought they talk utter bullshit, till I finally met Michael. He was new at our school and like all cliché love storys we had to work together on a project. First I was annoyed, because I didn't get one of my friends as a partner. The first thing I noticed about him was his blond and light blue hair. It was so random, he looked so badass, but he really wasn't. We met at a café to work together that day, because who was I to just go to a boys house and my house wasn't a opportunity either. Anyways, that was the first time I knew he was different, not just for his looks, but for himself. Our project was about butterfly's. I still remember it like it was yesterday, firstly for the beautiful quote he said: "You know, you seem like a butterfly; pretty to see, but hard to catch." I know you'll think it's super cheesy 'cause I'd totally think like that too, but at that moment I just didn't. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. And I thought, how'd he know I'm in love with meaningful quotes. Because I was, I mean I still am. Three months after that meeting we were dating. First all of my friends thought he was strange and weird. But they learned to love him, not as much as i loved him, but they sure did. Michael was like my soul mate, my lost puzzle piece. Like the final, cheesy, cherry to complete my ice cream and let me tell you that ice cream was delicious! I wasn't depressed before I had Michael, because now I know how depression feels like, and I sure wasn't before him! I was just a unmotivated, boring teenager, but isn't that everyone? At least in my eyes. Well, Michael made me a better person and I'd say I would've died for him. I know I sound like those people I never wanted to sound like, but to be honest I don't really care. Michael and I always laughed when we did that cheesy perfect-couple stuff and at the same time we laughed about people like that. Our relationship was all about laughing and having fun. We trusted each other blind! When one of us was out with friends, we never asked; who are you with, 'cause we didn't need to. To be honest, we had a perfect relationship, at least in my eyes. Our friends always said we're like the weirdest couple ever. Guess what, the awkward people that we were, we were actually proud of it! At least we weren't boring, right? Even my parents loved him. They often were kind of busy, so they were happy that Michael and I could have an eye on Kian, my little brother. He was or still is quite the trouble kind of child.

My life was quite alright, wasn't it? It was! Well now I've been in therapy for about 6 Months and do you know the quote: After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone" by Larry Brown? I believe in that quote, because only after six months of therapy those where the exact words my therapist said to me. I mean I'm not in therapy for exactly six months, but doesn't that make the whole situation worse? My parents don't know that, they don't even listen anymore, they think I'm crazy. I bet they are scared that I stay like that forever. Their friends didn't come over for 4 months now, because my parents are ashamed of my behavior. They say they're not, but I just know it! They're not better, at least my dad isn't! Sometimes I just want to wake my Mum up, from downstairs, to tell her, that her husband is shagging a slut in the guestroom, which is next to mine. But my dad would tell her that she should now that I go more mental from day to day and that she should've known better. My dear parents would laugh at me if I told them they their 15 year old son is taking cocain on daily basis and they don't even get it. Everybody would laugh, because I'm the crazy one, don't you forget that! Sometimes I just want to scream. I mean I did a couple of times, but my dad always thought I go insane, so he pumped all the medicine he could get in my body, just to make it stop. A little do I believe that I'm crazy, but that's just because I dearly want to die. Why can't I be with Michael? That's not fair. Life's not fair! I've never seen the sense in life, but now I know there is no such thing like sense in life! Because if there was Michael would be still alive! And who decided there always has to be sense in everything? Nobody! No explanation needed! I wasn't very confident, but Michael made me feel beautiful, he made me feel needed and truly loved. You know how it is when somebody just rips all of that out of your life? Thought so. You know how it is when a, thought so friend, tells you "He's just a boy." She sure isn't my friend anymore!

Michael's funeral was the worst experience in my life. My parents said I'd feel better after it but everything just got worse, because I really realized that everything was over. That my boy was really dead. His Mom and I broke down in each others arms. Oh, how I loved that woman! The last time I saw her was three months ago, which is way to long if you ask me, but on the other hand it's a weird feeling too see her, I would think of Michael way too much.

Michael was the boy who took my innocence, my anger, my insecurity, my weakness. He made me strong! And now? Now he's gone. Do you ever have a bad dream? Now imagine your worst nightmare, but that you'll never wake up. That's how I feel, but worse.

I've never understood the people who were hurting their self, but clearly I do now! I've sworen myself i'd never be one of those persons, but there are those days when i feel nothing and i just get the huge urge to feel something, and that's when i cut. Sometimes I imagine how it is up there. Is Michael watching me sometimes? Or is he even watching over me? Is he my guardian angel? I believe that he is, at least that's what I tell myself. There are days when i tell myself that there are people who feel much worse than me. People who have a horrible life and how they can't change it, but then I think that it's not going to solve my problem. It never will! Maybe I sound a little selfish, but please let me be selfish for one moment! I want him back, I don't care how selfish that is.

And his beautiful surname; Clifford! The name that should've been my last name one day. Our kid's last name. Our family name to be exactly. Jade Clifford. Yeah, that would fit, wouldn't it?

But Michael didn't left me with nothing. He actually left me a note. It means so much to me, but at the same time he expects something so ridiculous and unbelievable from me. Still I could never be mad at him. Who could?

But let's start with the real life again. Tomorrow the summer break is over and my Junior year starts, again. I wasn't in school very often last year so I failed most of my classes. I don't want to go back there, I hate the thought of school and fake smiles and how pity everyone's going to be. I really don't need that, but my parents want me go back to school again, so I'll just do that. At least I get to see some of my friends again, right?! Wish me the best, okay?

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A/N:
This is my first english fanfiction. I hope you will like it, because I do!

What so ever, HAPPY READING! xx

Mila