So, my world just imploded.
Out of all the cities and hotel lobbies in the world he happened to be in this one, on this weekend.
And I just had to run into him.
Life was great, or well you know, it was going. Got a girlfriend that I love, a major...
Did you know psychologists can have a cult following? And here I thought the days of academic fame were over. I couldn't sleep last night. Tossing and turning like a kid actor in a solid b-movie. Which of course meant I overslept and only showed up to the Personality lecture 15 minutes early. Which was apparently was late enough for me to end up seated on top of some stacked cardboard boxes with my back literally pressed against the back wall.
At least I can type without fear of anyone looking over my shoulder.
I wonder if I should call Katie. I haven't told her about Archie. She knows he exists, but I've never felt the need to tell her the whole story and she never pushed. Never pried like Archie would have. Like Archie is currently doing.
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Just, look at this! He hasn't texted me in three years and this is how he decides to open the floodgates. Also, it's not like I've been keeping it a secret. She's met my parents. Been to my hometown. He could have asked any of my old friends and he would have known.
It's funny. This was the talk I was most excited to see. The academic conference equivalent of a music festival headliner. Fake online personality tests were what got me interested in psychology in the first place all those years ago. As an introverted homeschooled middle schooler with minimal friends, I found it reassuring when Myers-Briggs confirmed that I was in fact an introvert. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with me for enjoying being alone, it was just the way I was. One of sixteen possible boxes of personality.
Thirteen-year old me did not care about all the flaws in the MB system, thirteen-year-old me just liked being told who she was.
And now I'm here. Less than 20 feet from my idols and all I can think about is Archie. What does that say about me?
I don't love him like I used to. Not anymore. Katie is in that corner of my heart now. But there is something that squeezes the breath out of my chest whenever I see him, a restlessness that stirs up in me.
Oh, and guilt. That stirs up too.
When he asked me why I was breaking up with him, I could only say that it was because we should. And I meant that. I had loved him, and I had grown with him, but I was good. I was done. If anything, I felt relieved knowing that people expected us to break up. What kind of crazy person stays long distance with her boyfriend before going to college? He was the perfect guy and I couldn't wait to get away from him. I'm fuming that he's here but honestly, why am I the one that gets to be mad?
- Signed
Someone, please stop me from psychoanalyzing myself.
