"𝖒𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖔𝖓𝖌𝖚𝖊" : 𝔠𝔬𝔪𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔠𝔯𝔢𝔴 𝔬𝔫𝔢-𝔰𝔥𝔬𝔱𝔰

"sleep" by my chemical romance (james)

author's note : i'm sorry it's been a while, i wasn't expecting to take another break but my inspiration kinda dried up. thank you for all the support and i'll try to put out shit as much as i can. this one is very much personal. i definitely didn't finish writing it at one in the morning. love you and stay safe, guys.

james had, in all honesty, lost counts of how many he'd made. at this point, held breaths and painfully hissed 'oh my god's, it was nothing more than a contest to him. he was playing with himself, making each cut draw bit by bit more blood, before blotting it away every few seconds to start again; a blank canvas. 

"james?" he almost jumps out of his skin at the soft knock on the door. he's quickly stuffing the razors back into the medicine cabinet and flushing away the dirty tissues. he can see the shadow of fraser's socked feet standing outside the bathroom under the door. "james, i 'afta piss, mat-"

"yeah, yeah, 'm coming! give a man a minute." james hopes neither of them will point out the fact he's been in the bathroom for thirty minutes. he runs a hand through his greasy, unwashed hair, he doesn't have the motivation or strength to take a shower, after pulling his sleeves down, looking in the mirror. the bags under his eyes, under big, dead, chocolate brown eyes, almost physically weigh him down. he's more gaunt than usual, a sickly pale skeleton of the person he once was. the sweatshirt that, a few months ago, was alright, even a bit tight, is now too big. food repulses him. and when it doesn't, it was only a matter of time before it all came up, forcefully or not. in all senses of the words, he looks depressed and depressing.

"james-"

"a'right!" he throws the door open, coming face to face with an equally-tall fraser. it's three in the morning, light from the bathroom spilling into the dark hall. the atmosphere is oddly still, like puffed breaths hanging in cold winter air; unnerving. fraser looks up from his phone, squinting without his glasses.

"why y' panting like you jus' ran a 5k?"

"had t' get off the toilet 'nd 'm out of shape. stop harassing me, mr.inabber." fraser rolls his eyes with a smile but doesn't make a move to enter the bathroom. james shifts nervously.

"so y' gonna-"

"i can tell when you relaspse, james." james's mouth goes dry. he cracks his knuckles and swallows so maybe his tongue isn't so heavy, curling a tight fist with his throbbing hand. 

"w-wha' d'you mean?" fraser sighs, putting his phone away.

"'m sure you know exactly wha' i mean" the blonde purses his lips. "you don't eat dinner, you're in your room all evening. you don't even come say goodnight. then, at two in the morning, you quickly lock yourself in the bathroom. that's what i mean."

"i ate din-"

"no, you didn't. 'i ate in my room', we both know, means 'i didn't eat'." james bites back his bubbling protest. "now, i wanna see the cuts." james pulls his sweatshirt past his knuckles, hesitant.

"th-there's a lot." fraser's eyes soften, visibly even in the dark, and his mouth quirks in a sad smile. shaking his head, he says, 

"that's okay. jus' wanna make sure they're cleaned 'nd you're safe." fraser cleans the cuts, like he has so many times before, making james hold and wince as he applies neosporin and wraps his arm in pliable gauze. his shoulder is close enough for james to rest his head on, not realizing how dizzingly tired he is or how much his eyes sting until he closes them, how much everything is actually affecting him and how badly he wants to cry it all out. "you're okay," fraser whispers into his hair, pressing a curt and platonic kiss there before putting his chin on his head softly. "everything's okay, you're okay... you're okay..." he repeats it over and over again in a low, calming voice; not far from being drowned out by james's raging thoughts, but loud enough to lull the man into a sleep-like trance. for some reason, james has never felt this safe, this okay; he can't get enough of the hushed voices, closeness, and fraser's pretty freckles. "we're gonna go to bed, okay?" james nods, letting his roommates lead him to his room with soft touches to his back and praise. he can't even find words to say, eyes closed to new information and the only clear thing in james's mind being fraser's blue eyes. this is the eye of the storm, for james, because he knows he's gonna wake up tomorrow and feel as horrible and as numb as always, so he shifts a little closer to fraser under the covers, which is wholeheartedly accepted and reciprocated by the other boy, to try and feel okay, even if it's just for now.

"can you tell me i'm okay again, please?"

"you're okay, james..." there's another small kiss pressed into his hair and james feels nothing but bliss as he lets sleep ravage his body and soul. "...you're okay..." he's okay, for now. he's okay.

863 words