SOAD Wars: Attack of the Stoned

Chapter I

Serj, John, Shavo and Daron all sit on the couch watching TV.

Serj scratches his beard and breaks the silence. "I'm going to get a drink for us," he says. He stands up from the couch and walks to the kitchen. He opens the fridge, looking up and down. He moves a bottle of Pepsi to the side, revealing a bottle of wine. He grabs the bottle, places it on the kitchen counter and shuts the fridge. He pops the cap off and pours some wine into four plastic cups. Heading back to the guys, he hands each Daron and Shavo a cup before heading back and grabbing the second pair, handing one to John and taking a sip of the last one and settling back down onto the couch.

Shavo takes a sip but when he reaches to set his cup down on the coffee table he accidentally knocks John's over. "What the fuck, man?" John snaps, flinching back.

"It's cool dude, don't worry, it didn't even spill," Shavo replies.

"Oh okay," John says, looking at the cup laying sideways on the floor and the wine which nevertheless remained firmly stuck inside as if it still stood upright. He picks it up with a shrug, cracks it open against the edge off the coffee table and eats the wine like a hard boiled egg.

"Okay, don't just leave your shit on my floor you cretin," Daron snarks from across the couch.

"Whatever," John replies annoyed. He grabs the broken cup and stuffs it in the hood of Daron's sweatshirt.

"Hey, what the fuck!!" Daron yells, clenching his fists. He looks around for something to retaliate with and, settling on the nearest window, rips it by the frame out of the wall and crams it down the back of John's shirt.

"Can you guys quit horsing around?" Serj grumbles. "I can't hear the TV."

"WHAT?!" Shavo shouts over the wind whipping around the living room.

"I SAID I CAN'T--" Serj repeats but it's no use, he's practically inaudible now.

Daron starts laughing uncontrollably. Suddenly, karma crashes into the house in the form of one of those overhead freeway traffic signs, slamming Daron with full force into the opposite wall. "HELP!!!" he screams.

"Haha, that's what you get, ho!" John laughs.

"Wait quiet a second Daron, I'm trying to talk to Serj," Shavo says before yelling "OKAY WHAT DID YOU SAY???" one more time into Serj's face.

"Oh for fuck's sake--" Serj says, ignoring Shavo and walking over to where Daron is trapped.

"SENPAI!! SAVE ME!!" Daron screams internally but not out loud out of fear of revealing his true feelings uwu

"Don't worry, I shall save you!" Serj assures him, tugging at the sign. He succeeds in loosening it a little. After winding up for one big pull he finally wrenches the sign away but accidentally hits himself in the face with it in the process. Since the sign was the only thing holding Daron upright he falls down on top of Serj. They awkwardly make eye contact but then can't stop staring at each other.

"Aww, u so strong senpai," Daron croons, kissing his hero on the side of the face as his way of dealing with the unbearable tension.

"MOTHAFUCKIN HOMOS IN THE HOUSE WOO WOOOO!" Shavo screams at them. Serj angrily lobs the sign over his shoulder toward him. In epic slow-motion Shavo epicly leans back Matrix-style and dodges the sign. John looks up just at the inopportune moment in which it flies over Shavo's head so it smacks him right in the face. "Whoa dude," Shavo laughs after turning around at the sound of the thud.

"Hahaha!!! That's what YOU get ho!" Daron laughs at John.

John struggles to shrug the sign off of himself but it ends up pinning him to the wall right by where the TV just was a moment ago, God know where it is now.

"I'll save you!" Shavo says.

"FUCK no. Bitch I'd rather be here all day than be saved by your Mister Clean lookin ass."

Shavo ignores this insult, leaping over the arm of the couch and leaning toward John.

"No. NO. STOP." John demanded, thrashing around in his hopeless attempts to break free.

Daron and Serj look into each others' eyes again. Their faces edge closer and closer and they're thinking okay he's gonna pull away now and call me a weird ass now right? No? Oh we're kissing? Oh okay cool we're kissing now c:

"Oh my god senpai kissed me!!!" Daron squeaks internally, fanning himself like a damn schoolgirl.

Serj, meanwhile, wonders "Jesus fucking Christ, are the other guys gonna notice we just did that?" He notices a hand hovering above him and snaps back to the moment when he realizes it's Daron offering to pull him up. After Daron helps Serj to his feet they both turn to check on John and Shavo.

"Admit it, you love me," John says, straining toward Shavo with the half of his body that isn't still pinned to the wall while Shavo repeatedly swats his arm away.

"Hahaha! Rejected" Daron cackles, pointing at John.

"Heh heh, damn, shot down in flames, Johnny!" Serj joins in. Looking back toward Daron he notes perplexedly that he could've sworn that most of the time in his experience he saw the top of Daron's head when he turned to look at him whereas now he is staring at his armpit.

"What are you crackheads talking about? I don't want his pencil ass," the guys hear Shavo say as he gestures to the non-pancaked half of John.

The smirks on Daron's and Serj's faces morph into full-on expressions of confusion. "Wait, who just said that?" they both ask in staggered unison, looking at each other then back at Shavo and John. Serj does a double-take after half a second and realizes he just looked up into his own face instead of down at Daron's, but Daron disrupts his train of thought before he can say anything.

"Guys my house is fucking destroyed, what the fuck????" Daron roars. Some creepy ass Wall-E-looking robots roll up and start dutifully scooping piles of rubble away.

"Um... guys...," Shavo mutters in a voice that he slowly begins to realize sounds a lot more like John's than his own, "This don't look like Kansas..."

Daron's eyes which are actually Serj's eyes widen into saucers as the dots connect in his head. "Wait, if you're Shavo..." he mumbles looking at John, "and Shavo is—" Immediately upon realizing what's going on he reaches down and whips out Serj's big ass dick. "WHOA."

Serj is pulling at his hair which is actually Daron's hair in distress as he tries to make sense of this weird ass situation when he sees his own dick out of the corner of his eye.

Daron winks.

"NO." Serj says.

"I have to," Daron responds and commences to crank that fat sausage like a Viennese barrel organ.

"NOOOOOOOOO" Serj screams but then realizes that his hog does look pretty damn good from this angle so he shrugs and says "Eh okay, whatever."

( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) to be continuwued ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)