After Eli kissing me, Ayden was awkward around me the kissing Eli situation. Even an hour later, he left with just a ‘goodbye’. Sure, it hurt but I got over it fairly quickly.
Is it so wrong that I don’t feel guilty about kissing Eli?! I can’t help it. I feel bad for Ayden for lying to him all the time about Eli. Besides, what if Ayden is just going to throw me away once he’s done playing around with me?
Now, all I can feel in my body is worry. Worry if Eli hates me. Worry if Ayden just wants to use me. Worry if I can’t control myself and go unstable. I need something. I have the need to hurt myself. I’ve been too clean for so long…
I reach over behind my bed and grab my journal with a pen. I open it up to a new page, and start writing:
I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. Why do I have feelings for two boys? One, my boyfriend, the other, my brother. It’s so wrong. What is wrong with me? I don’t want to hurt either of them, but I already did. The thing is, I want to be with Eli, but I also want to be with Ayden. Why can’t I choose? I don’t know who is better for me. I wish Eli never found out about that letter. I just want things back to the way they were. I just want my big brother back.
I rip out the page viciously, so hard that I lose grip on the paper and it floats in the air. I don’t even bother grabbing it from midair. I watch it as it swings back and forth, hitting the floor. I look over the bed, and it landed almost under the bed, just barely peeking out to make it look barely noticeable.
I already feel the stress, confusion and anger lifting off my shoulders, the tightness in my chest is loosening up. The dizziness that filled my mind is disappearing. I potentially feel better.
Now, time to rip it up.
I swing my legs around and touch the floor to get up. Before I can reach down to grab my letter, the door opens suddenly, revealing Eli.
I sit up straight and move over on the bed to hide the letter so Eli doesn’t see it. I don’t want him reading this one.
“Levi, I… I need to explain something.” Eli says plainly and walks into the room, shutting and locking the door, then sitting next to me. “I’m sorry.” He whispers.
I look over at him with widened eyes. He’s sorry? He does sound genuine and sincere. But, what if he’s lying? Eli wouldn’t lie to me though, Eli doesn’t lie.
“Sorry? For what?” I ask and scoot a little bit so I can it closer to him.
“For everything.” Eli sighs and runs a hand through his thick brown hair. “I’m sorry for almost ruining your first relationship. I’m sorry for kissing you. I’m sorry-”
“Oh shut up!” I cut him off while placing my hands on the back of his neck and pull him close to smash my lips on top of his.
What am I doing? Obviously cheating on my boyfriend with my older brother. But, I still don’t feel censurable. It’s horrible, I’m horrible.
I like this, though. I like the feeling of Eli’s soft lips against mine. I love that I get all of these different feelings while being with Eli than I do with Ayden. The fuzziness in my stomach, the heart explosion, the mind spinning, the body tingling feelings are amazing and I love them. Surprisingly, I only get them when I’m with Eli.
I have to admit it to myself already.
I’m in love with Eli.
Eli kisses me back eagerly and pushes against me, to lay us down with him on top of me. I give in, and it happens. Having Eli in top of me always excites me, it’s wrong of me to think that with my brother. Oh well, who cares?
Eli runs his hand up my shirt, feeling around my stomach and chest, making me shiver. Our lips part, making our tongues meet together roughly. Eli sets his legs on either side of my waist, and grinds his hips down against mine. I let out a groan, causing Eli to pull away from our kiss.
I give him a puzzled look, but all he does is takes off his shirt, drops it on the ground, and grins down at me. I widen my eyes and trail my eyes to his chest and kept staring. Looking at Eli shirtless is so fascinating. I don’t know what it is, he’s just so attractive.
He grabs the hem of my shirt and slip it off of me easily, and dropping it next to his shirt. I feel my cheeks get hot. Eli smirks again and leans down, kissing my neck. I shudder and tangle my fingers in his brown hair, tugging on it because of the tension that’s building in my body.
I want more.
I shakily feel his chest, down his stomach, and rest them at his lap area. Eli gasps against my neck and leans over kissing me aggressively again.
This is all so overwhelming. Eli and I are actually being like this, both of us want to do this kind of stuff with each other. Then, all of a sudden, Ayden pops up in my head. I’m actually cheating on him, on my first boyfriend. On the first person I’ve ever had a relationship with.
Instinctively, both Eli and I pull away and stare at each other in amazement. Clearly, I’m surprised that we just had a make out session with our shirts off. Eli looks pleased with himself, that he got to be able to do this with me, well, have me cooperate this time. I am also pleased, but, the guilt is starting to make the pleasure leave.
“I love you, Levi.” Eli whispers and hugs me tightly.
A smile comes across my face and tears rim my eyelids. I know since we’re brothers, ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean anything. But since Eli kissed me, took off our shirts, smiled at me, genuinely, I know he means it. Eli never sounds like this when he states our brotherly love. This is different. The tone in his voice is even different. It makes a warm fuzzy feeling fill my chest. It’s amazing.
“I love you too, Eli.” I murmur into his shoulder and hug him tightly as well.
A few minutes after our embrace, we let go of each other. And Eli still has a smile on his face, which makes me keep smiling. He must be seriously happy with what just happened.
“I’ll get our shirts.” He chuckles slightly and reaches over to grab our shirts.
To think that everything will be found, and I will be getting my shirt handed to me, I was wrong. Eli doesn’t sit up with our shirts. He sits up with a piece of paper.
The letter.
