Love, Lissie

Chapter 2: Tyler's Letter

It was pretty hard to fall asleep that night, but not too hard. Not as hard as it was four days ago. The night before it all went down. I was drifting off wondering if I should try it again, or if I owed it to everyone to stay alive this time. It's funny how I was the one who tried to leave everyone without even saying goodbye, yet they were the ones who were acting sorry. I felt guilty, I didn't want any of them to have to share my pain. I didn't want any of them to think it was their fault. But I guess, even if my attempt had been successful they probably would have felt guilty anyways. After all, I did write them the letters.

Holy shit. No. The letters.

Suicide notes. Fourteen of them. Filled with apologies and confessions. The types of things you write to people who you never expect to see again. Ever. Some of them I mailed, others I left in spots where only the right person would find them. Some I hid away, so they wouldn't be found 'til much farther into the future. Mom, Dad, Ben, Toby, Claire, Tyler, Naomi, Mr.Chester, Coach Iz, Piper, Eric, Sean, Molly, Christopher. They all got one. I had now completely exposed myself to each and every one of them. I had now told them horrible things, awful things, embarrassing things and filled each of them with guilt. Having to go through life post suicide was hard enough. But things just got way more complicated.

I finally fell asleep that night, out of fear. The next morning I would get to go home, and hopefully try and fix everything. Who's gonna take a letter to heart anyways, if it was written by a psychotic suicidal girl. They'll probably just think it was hormones, or medication. I was hoping that when I got out of that hospital room and back home, everyone would chill out a bit. But I was wrong.

That morning I scarfed down some breakfast collected up all my cards and gifts and headed back to the same red brick house, I'd lived in since I was a baby. I was surprised that when I walked inside there wasn't an entire Welcome Home banner waiting for me, after all this attention I had been getting. Nobody really talked to me too much, I knew they were trying to give me some space. My mom made it very clear that if I wanted to talk about it she was there for me and then finally let me go to my room to have some alone time.

When I got up there, the first thing I did was look at where it had happened. It had all been cleaned up, there was no evidence of what I had done. Not even the stain Claire had told me about. Nothing in my room showed what I was planning and there weren't any other pills for anyone to find. The only evidence left of my attempt was me, and the letters. I grabbed my laptop then sat down on my bed. I opened up my email and saw lots from teachers telling me what my assignments were but also telling me I could take as long as I needed to complete them. I was curious as to whether they thought I had a seizure (courtesy of Claire), or if they knew the true story.

I decided to get started on the assignments right away. I didn't want to get behind in school, and I certainly didn't want all my classmates to see my teachers not caring that I was behind in school. I was well into reading my history textbook when I heard a very familiar dribbling sound coming from nearby. I looked up and saw that my bedroom window was open as usual, and that Tyler Morgan was in his driveway playing basketball.

I brought my history book over to my window seat and sat down. He was all by himself, his sandy blond hair drifting into his eyes. He was already drenched in sweat, he worked harder than anyone I knew. He was seventeen, one year older than me and we'd been neighbors the last seven years. I saw him for the first time when I was nine and fell instantly in love. I've spent every year since fourth grade sitting here doing my homework, watching him. Watching the way he moves, the way his freckles sparkle in the sunlight, and trying to silent my breath enough so I could hear him breathe too.

The summer he moved here, it was almost like we were close. I would go play basketball with him everyday, or he would come to my backyard and play soccer with me. We even had our own secret code using paper and flashlights so we could talk to each other through our windows at night. He was the new kid, and I was his only friend. Everything changed when school started. He was a fifth grader, and I was a grade below. He met actual boys, his real friends and moved on from our three months of friendship. His first week of school he went to Naomi's with me every day and we would both tell her about our days. Monday after school of the second week, when he got on the bus, he had a friend with him. Peter Scout. Another basketball loving soccer playing kid, except this one was Tyler's age and even better, he was a boy too. That day, Tyler let me come hang out with them, but it just wasn't the same. And after that Tyler went to middle school and I almost never saw him again. We're still friendly, my family still goes to his fourth of july barbecue every year, but that was about it. I still have our secret code memorized, every word of it. However, I bet he doesn't even remember that the code existed. Peter's still his best friend, and Claire's mine, some things never change. Just like some things, could never be the same.