Nicotine and Razors

But at 3 a.m., when youre smoking your last cigarette and your phone's run dry of messages, and the world is quiet with you being the only one awake in the house with no one to talk to, you finally realize just how lonely you are. So you let the nicotine buzz you and let the high and pleasure of the stinging of the razor kissing your skin fill your mind with a sense of belonging. Knowing the risk factors of everything that hits you at once. Of newly dyed hair and baggy clothing to hide your bodies insecurities. Of cuts coating your skin on places where people wont see them unless pried. Tears covering your face in a glossy manor, turning your eyes into a form of glassy reflections of ones self of someone who looks different. A river staining your once bright smile. That of once happiness burned away with sadness and anger, dreams forgotten in the ache of wanting.

So you cut and you cry until the pain suffices your loneliness. And even then they both dry out, along with everything else. So you only feel tired and empty, your world void of purpose and your life vague with very little sense. You reach out to your other friend, alcohol. And you drink until you pass out, until you forget all the bad memories and horrific feelings of never being good enough. Trying to run from your past, only to be caught in the end and held hostage to the mistakes you've made. Being tortured from every single decision in your life. Happiness being obliterated by the voices telling you otherwise.

Hoping the meds will work and talking it out, only to be ignored. Being told that youre faking it and needing to stop. Them acting like its a choice and a light switch that can be flipped within a matter of seconds. Them shoving pills down your throat, words into your mouth when all you really needed was for someone to trust you and believe you; love and for someone to help you when you fall down. But that never comes, you wish every night that it will but it never does. Cause everyone you trusted and loved always left, breaking their promises and throwing you like you were nothing. Acting like you were nothing. When in reality, you gave them your best but they were just greedy, wanting more when you were weak from helping with nothing in return. "Maybe one day they'll do the same for me." But will that day ever come? That's up to them, not you.