T'was Arranged

♆Novo♆

"Oh what a day to choose,
Torn by the hours,
All that I say to you,
Is like fuel to the fire."
~ Fuel to Fire, Agnes Obel

S a g e

After the fall, the night everything fell apart, I couldn't feel anything. The morning after everything came to blows, I woke up from an abrupt slumber courtsy of Reid. I was physically complete. Everything was there: no bones broken and no body parts missing. The room was eerily quiet as the rising sun filtered through the glass windows and bathed the carpet in light. My mind was still grasping for the memories of the night before when my eyes caught my brother's unmoving form across the room.

Lying there, sprawled awkwardly, I waited for the panic to swell in my chest forcing my body to get up and check on him. And I did get up. I crawled wearily to Adam. I looked upon his moving chest and my curiousity burned out. Then it hit me that I wasn't even worried if Adam lived or not. I mean, I knew I cared about him and that I loved him deeply, but in that moment, the only thing that pushed me to make sure he was alright was curiosity.

Suddenly, I was noticing very key points. Like how my stomach felt like something had been pulled out from underneath it, like how my chest cavity felt hollow, like how I couldn't feel my heart beating. I couldn't feel the heat of the sun through the window on my skin. I didn't feel pain or sadness or love or compassion or anger. I was just lucky enough to feel the fear and confusion of not knowing what was wrong with me. And there was definitely something fundementally wrong with me.

Just like that, without having to search around the room or the mansion or this side of the kingdom, I knew Logan was gone. More importantly, I knew that he'd left.

I spent the next few days trying to make myself feel again, and in the midst of that, I lost Lilac's friendship, respect for my mother, and my brother's trust. The most miserable part of all of that was the fact I couldn't feel the misery. My brother left my mother's home to find refuge with Lilac and the mansion I lived in with Logan felt too cold and empty. More than anything I needed to find something that would make me feel again.

Cameron's kindness and caring attitude barely filled the gaping hole inside, but I continued to stay with him with the hopes that his heart and love would be enough. When the soft whisper of his lips coasting against mine didn't make me at least feel the silent organ residing in my chest, I knew Cameron wasn't the answer to my problem. So I left, leaving behind a note of apology and a confused smitten boy.

I never condone the overzealous consumation of alcohol to soothe one's pain; however, at some point I had to give it a try. Maybe the liquor would fill me to the point being numb would no longer be my problem. I found out I was a bit of a wreckless drunk, a thrill-seeker while intoxicated. Celine found me at a bar downtown, drinking and dancing the night away with about any person, male or female, who put their hands on me. She knew I was in some sort of pain, and she never mentioned how my behavior was extremely out of character. In fact, she joined me on my tirade. We got tattoos just because we felt like it and got new hair styles. When some pervy guy at a party suggested nipple piercings, I nearly followed through with the idea.

Cameron got Celine to stop me before any more rash decisions were made.

Finding Logan wasn't that hard. The original plan was for me to lur Logan away from the crowds and music with a glamour of some random hot chick. Once I got him alone I was only supposed to get close enough to drug him. But as soon as his eyes landed on mine I knew just getting close to him wouldn't suffice. When I was near him a small portion of the hole in my chest filled. And then when my lips met his and our skin touched, as cheesy as it sounds, suddenly everything was clear to me. The reason why I couldn't feel was because Logan wasn't there. The aftermath of this, though, almost made me wish for the lack of emotions. Everything I hadn't been able to grieve and worry about crashed into me and crushed me. The power of our Bind, the power Logan's departure had over my mental health, scared me.