Helpless | Gray AOMG |

one

     COLLEGE WAS SCREAMING right at my face as if it hasn't already rubbed itself in my brain for a very long time. You see, I'm pretty outgoing once I've finally adjusted to the specimens called "people" around me. However, first days are just on a whole different topic. I hated first days, heck I've probably already hated the first day I was brought into this world, explains the endless crying that literally sent my mother into death.

Okay, I wanted it to sound funny because that's how I cope with the huge circle of sadness and agony that chose to surround me when I've endlessly begged for something opposite. However, it just sounded dark and offensive and I shouldn't have said that because I know my loud cries weren't really the reason why her life ended. Why am I even talking about this?

First day of 1st grade, I cried because I didn't want dad to leave the school premises in any way possible. First day of high school, I struggled to fight the anxiety that was creeping up in my system which failed miserably. That resulted me into finding an isolated area just so that I could cry out the emotions that were eating me up and I swear it wasn't that easy. I have no idea why I experience such thing and I've been told to see a therapist but why the hell do I need one?

The remaining weeks and months of every school year doesn't go as smoothly as butter because I have this thing called allergy towards people, especially men, but obviously, I made friends and lost some of them through the years. That's really just how this world works. One cannot possibly survive the storm that the world gives if the person wants to spend all his time alone. As much as I hated people, I also didn't really like being alone.

"Jiho, why the fuck are you taking so long in the shower?!" I heard my aunt Jei scream on top of her lungs as if her voice wasn't already loud to begin with.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized how drastic the change of my appearance actually have become during the years. Maybe it was the hair but it really wouldn't make sense because I've had short hair since I was little. I've always felt like my head carries so much weight if I grow my hair long so I have always resorted to cutting it short.

Maybe it was my lips? Eyes? Nose? Shape of my face? Eyebrows?

Then I realize it isn't really the kind of change that most girls would've had as they grow older. It isn't really that something that'll turn the tables. I realize, my face was literally the same all these years. It's just that, I looked more tired and worn out than I already am.

"Jiho!" Aunt Jei's voice rang in my ears, followed by endless aggressive knocks on the bathroom door. "Are you cutting your hair again?!"

I let out a groan and placed the pair of scissors on the sink. "My hair's already short enough, why the fuck would I cut it shorter?" I lied. I actually wanted to chop it a lot shorter but she knew me so well.

"Because you're impulsive." She retorted and I can project an image of her in my mind where she places her hands on her hips with her eyebrow slightly raised. "And you make bad choices."

"Even if you did think over things, you'd still end up making bad choices." She continued.

"Wow, you really make me think of killing myself right now." I walked towards the door and opened it gently only to see a sight of her smoking. "And you're literally smoking in my room right now. It's gonna smell like cigarettes."

Aunt Jei was over 40 years old but she had a mind of a woman in mid her mid 20s. She didn't look like she's in her 40s either. She'd wear what we wants and when she gets called out, she would say, "This is my body. I would wear what I want to wear and if that offends you, it isn't my problem, it's yours".