Misery Loves Company

Chapter 1

May

The warm liquid rushing down my throat brings a familiar comfort to my stomach. A sense of calm rushes through my veins as it travels through my exhausted body. My head feels light and my heart feels empty. Just the way I like it. Empty. Full of nothingness. 

I find myself rewinding and playing through all of my memories, every moment that brought me to this point. This point of blank spaces and dark shadows. A place where my hollow heart is welcomed and encouraged. A time where I'm in love with depression and I lust for death. 

Where has the time gone?

It's quite strange, to think about how quickly time has changed. How quickly I've changed. It feels like someone snapped their fingers and in the blink of an eye, everything that I once knew became a distant memory. I can see the old May on the outskirts but whenever I reach out for her, she explodes into a dark cloud that closes in around me. And then I'm reminded she is gone - I'll never see the old May again. 

Once upon a time, there was a bright light that burned inside of me. It seeped through my pores and blanketed everything around me in a soft glow. There was a rush of happiness that played across my smile and a kiss of love on my lips. My deep brown eyes held a flicker of gold in them, igniting with every touch of life. My laughter echoed throughout every room and filled the empty space. Once upon a time, I was happy. 

A small smile emerges across my face, as I slip deeper into the memories of the girl who predates this version- whos shattered pieces have yet to be littered across the floor.  As I'm about to get to the good parts, I'm jerked back into reality. 

"May! It's your turn to drink! Bottoms up girl!" Ashley, my best friend slurs across the table, red solo cup in hand. She sways back and forth in her drunken state, almost toppling over before she catches herself on the dining room table which has now been converted into a beer pong stage. She shoves her cup into the air and screams, "I'm fucked up!" and all I can hear following is the extremely painful cheers of the rest of the inebriated crowd. 

I give her my classic smirk and chug my beer at an unnatural rate, wiping the excess off of my mouth with the back of my hand. God that was good.  

So good in fact, I don't even miss my past self. I've become more comfortable with this darker version. Unapologetically damaged. Once a fully bloomed vibrant flower now wilted and decayed under the storming weather that is my life. I guess I've come to terms with it.