A Friend

Dinner

"No, Thomas, listen to me. He doesn't know about the disorder... Thomas, I refuse to tell him! He's going to think I'm just accusing him... he'll thank me someday when he conquers this on his own. He made a friend today!! At the park! Wait.... no, please don't say anything. Listen- yes, I know. I know he'd be better off knowing... No. I'm not saying a word. And if I hear that you told him ONE thing about it! I SWEAR I WILL TAKE FULL CUSTODY OF HIM! Yes, I understand that you don't talk to him anyway, but I know you might try... okay... Yeah.... I will. Thank you.... Bye, Thomas," Alfred's mother then hung up the phone.

---

"I saw you walking with a girl, how was that?" Mom asked me.

"Oh, I mean, we talked or whatever. It wasn't anything friendship-related at all. She was just there with me to pass the time," I answered, shaking off my coat as we trekked up the snowy driveway.

"Honey, I'm sure that's not the- don't take that coat off until we get inside!" She snapped at me.

"Too late," I said, carrying the thick article of clothing over my right arm.

"Hurry to get inside! You're going to freeze!"

I watched her rush towards the concrete steps leading up towards the small landing before the front door. Her footprints were marked deeply in the snow of our untouched driveway.

Slowing down my walk, I came to a stop.

The snow covered my shoes up to my ankles and poked at me with a tingly feeling of cold through the many layers of clothes I was hidden under. The dry, sharp wind stung at my face and caused me to stay flinching at the constant low pain.

I glanced around me, examining the street and the houses that lined it. Everything was so familiar despite the blinding white snow layering everything I had formerly known. The once colorful bushes of the Perkins' house were now dull and sheltered by the effects of the weather. Over at the Raymond's house, their driveway wasn't even remotely visible- as though it never existed at all.

I sighed a cloud of breath and looked down at my feet. The bright snow under the dull, grey sky was bunched up on my boots- toppled over in its natural way.

Moving forward, I kept my head down so I could watch the soft layers of perfectly resting snowflakes become disturbed as I dragged my foot through its settlements.

It was time to head inside, but I knew it would only start the sufferable commencement of Mom tormenting me with jokes about meeting Mia today.

After what happened before, I'm not excited to find friends.

It doesn't end well.

I kicked my right boot forward and watched the snow fly and add another layer atop the original.

I sighed again and forced myself forward. I couldn't tell exactly what time it was- considering the clouds were thick and grey. Judging by my knowledge of earlier, it was probably a little after noon.

Walking up the steps that were covered with at least two inches of snow, I dragged my left glove up the metal railing. The fallen precipitation that had built up along the bar then tumbled to the side in response.

I paused for a short moment on the landing before the door. I stared at myself in the glass.

My black hair was unruly against the dark hat that I had been told to wear this morning. The bags under my eyes mocked me- reminding me of sleepless nights and the many haunting nightmares that clogged my mind when sleep graced me. Horrible memories of the past were a continuous, recurring theme through the nights. I thought about my school experiences, where everyday I was mocked and hurt. I thought of my sister and what happened to her. I thought of my family- before it was broken.

Maybe the therapists were wrong... maybe it was my fault.

My thoughts were interrupted by my mother shouting from inside.

"Get in here, Alfred! You're gonna freeze your ass off!"

I grabbed the door knob and opened the glass door that always swings shut. The main wooden door had been left open by my mother previously entering.

"I'm here, I'm here!" I called out.

---

Sitting down at dinner, I forked through the salad beside my plate. I was unusually tired and wanted nothing to do with my mother. I knew it sounded rude, but my head hurt and I simply wanted to go back to sleep.

"Alfred, honey. How was it at the park? Who was the girl you were talking to?" Mom asked me.

"Oh. Her name was Mia. She was nice. If she had a choice, she wouldn't have hung out with the local loser."

"What do you mean by 'choice'?"

"It was either me or babies sniffing each other's diapers. I'm surprised she didn't go for the toddlers," I sighed and leaned my head against my left hand- squishing my face.

"Don't say such things. I'm sure she'd pick you over plenty of people."

"No, mom. No one would," I snapped. She went quiet. I lifted my head and parted my lips at the sight of her looking rather sad. "I'm... listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk. Sorry. It's just... I don't feel good. And this topic always brings me down. I haven't been able to recover since the whole situation from before."

"Alfred, it's okay. I shouldn't have tried pushing these things. I- I guess... I guess I just want to help you," she was motioning with her hands which meant she was getting emotional. "It's painful for me to see you alone and sad. I know it's been that way for a while- but I thought, I thought..."

"Mom." I stopped her by speaking softly and placing my right hand over both of hers. She looked at our hands then at my face with tears in her eyes. "It's okay," I told her.

"I just want to help you. I should have taken you to somewhere that made sense. Not the park in the middle of winter. I couldn't think of anything else! I was going to suggest the mall or the movies, but I wasn't sure. I'm sorry if I made you do something you didn't want to do. I just- I just- I j-"

I cut her off.

"Mom, I love you. I love you so much. I may not tell you all the time. But trust me, I do. You've always been there for me. You helped me when I was hurt, when I was sad- hell, you helped me when I should have been helping you cope with the Linnet episode and your fucking divorce. I'm a pathetic excuse for a son. I'm so damn sorry. I'm trying, Mom. I'm trying... but one thing is for sure- and that's that I love you."

I took her hands in mine and rubbed my thumbs over the backs of her palms. Her face was directed down towards the tabletop but I couldn't see her expression due to the hair in her face.

Where she was looking, I spotted tears dropping along the wood of the table.

"Mom," I spoke up softly.

She lifted her right hand and wiped her face and nose.

"I love you too, Alfred," she began, her puffy eyes looking up at me now, "let's face it, I love you too much. After everything that's happened, you're all I have left. And I want to keep it that way. I want you to be happy. I want you do live the best life you can! That's all I need to be happy."

She squeezed my hands.

I smiled at her.

We had never been a sentimental family, nor had we initially spoken to each other fondly. This felt rather nice to be told such things.

"I am happy. I'm where I want to be," I told her.