All You Need To Know About Me

Love

If you know me, you know that I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I've always had crushes on boys and later on life, on girls. It was just something that happened to me. I never was able to control my feelings, regardless of what I did.

I've had quite a fair share of heart breaks. Whether I caused the heart break or it happened to me. I'm not proud of those times. It sucks. But, we all have to endure it in order to be able to move on. 

My first ever "boyfriend" was back when I was five years old. I technically don't even count him as my first boyfriend because it wasn't a real relationship and there was some things that happened that I would rather not talk about. But lets just say that it wasn't healthy. I've dated some people in my life who I've genuinely liked or that I kind of had feelings for. But overall, my reasoning for dating was that I liked them and why not? 

I dated a lot of friends actually. I don't think there was a lot of people who I dated who didn't fit that category. I guess I just figured that if they are my friend, that maybe something could work out? I honestly don't know my past self's reasoning for dating people. I just did it. Probably because I was not allowed to do so. The rebel in me decided that I would date regardless of what my dad said. Technically, I made a joke back when I was around eight that I would wait until I'm twenty six to date. And then when I brought it back up to my dad at a later date, he actually got mad. I have no idea why when he found my twenty six joke when I was eight funny but not when I was older. But okay. 

A lot of my past relationships felt forced in some way. I liked them but didn't see anything coming out of it. Not until I got to eighth grade. Now that's a totally different story.

Back then, I never knew what love was.  Of course, that made sense since I was just a preteen who didn't know much about anything when it came to dating. But one boy did change that for me. Lets hope I don't cry while writing this. Because it's going to be a struggle for sure.

So when I was in eighth grade, I moved to a different house mid year. Did I want that? Maybe. I was bullied in my current neighborhood before moving. So maybe it was best that I moved to a different one. When I moved, I moved closer to two friends of mine. And it took me two weeks to notice that there was a bus stop right outside my window. So one day, I decided to go to that bus stop and ask if that was the stop for my school. And it was. I also happened to know the girl who told me that information. She ended up becoming my best friend actually. She also introduced me to this boy.

This boy was someone I never thought I'd ever be friends with. Not that he was a bad boy or that he was super popular. But it just didn't seem like I would fit in with him around. I was kind of an odd ball. But for some reason, I had my best friend convince him to come over and saw hi. And that literally pulled me down the path of experiencing my first love. 

Although I was a very shy person back then, and still kind of am now, I, for some reason wasn't that way with him. It was almost like I was meant to know him. At first, it was awkward glances toward his direction. Few words shared once in a while. To having my friend convince him to sit by me and us share notes between the two of us. Talking about our day and things we liked. To me admitting that I liked him and him feeling the same. To eventually saying I love you.

He was the first person I ever shared that phrase with. I will admit, I wasn't the first one to say it. He did. The first time he told me he loved me was indirect because another friend of mine, who really wanted us to be together, wrote a note that went along this : 

"Do you love apples? Do you love oranges? Do you love Priscilla?"

And his response was perfect. He said: "Yes, yes, and same as the other two". And you guys have no idea what that meant to me at that moment. Because I do admit that I really did feel that way about him. After this, we sat together on the bus and he said it. I felt the words lodged in my throat but I didn't want to say it then because he said. I smiled because he really meant to. And of course, he understood. Eventually, I did say it when I was ready. And I don't regret those words. Because those were my feelings. I did truly love that boy. He was everything to me. He was my best friend and of course, life had to take that away from me. 

Sadly, the both of us are military kids so that meant that one of us was going to move away. And sad to say, he moved away.

My heart broke because I fell for this boy and he was leaving me. I didn't want him to go. I really didn't want him to go. I felt really lonely without me. He was a big part of my life. And him moving away sucked.

Nothing was the same after that. We weren't technically dating and due to that, he dated. I dated. We bounced back and forced to one another. Until, I messed up of course. Of course I did. 

To this day, I regret what I did. I regret what I said and what I didn't say. I'm not the same person I was back in eighth grade or the person I was when all the mistakes I've made happened. I've changed. I've grown. I've learned from those mistakes and want to start over. And maybe I'll get that. 

But right now, I'm just a college student, stuck in my head with feelings for a boy I haven't seen in years. Isn't that how it always goes?