Throughout the world people drink alcohol for many different reasons. When an individual has a few drinks they may feel the effects of alcohol such as blurred vision, slurred speech and a slight loss of their equilibrium. Often people will drink excessively and their personalities can change dramatically. At this stage they are generally viewed as a ‘drunk’. But even though one may be considered a ‘drunk’, there are many different kinds of drunks that can be differentiated by their similar characteristics.
The most noticeable drunk in a crowd is the “I want to kick everyone’s ass” drunk and can be identified by their aggressively loud and argumentative conversations. The fighting drunk woman is not as common as the man but when you see her, watch out and get your camcorder ready. When watching angry women battle, they will start wildly swinging at their opponent and try their best to grab handfuls of hair. Watching drunken women fight can be very entertaining, as well as a couple of wimpy drunk men, but when the fighters have experience the brawl can be quite violent. When this type of drunk becomes provoked he will most likely challenge the biggest guy in the room to a fight. When the rumble begins, he will rip off his shirt revealing his bony physique and start using karate moves that he learned watching Walker Texas Ranger. The “I want to kick everyone’s ass” drunk has a higher tendency to end their nights in the back of a police car covered in their own blood. The “I know I’m sexy drunk” is a very common type of drunk. With a lot of liquid courage, these drunks go from zero to hero in about ten beers. These drunks can be some of the strangest and sometimes ugliest people yet they will bump and grind on a dance floor like they were a Playboy centerfold. These bar Adonis’s are likely to enter any type of hot body contest forgetting that they just had a baby a week earlier or dancing as if they were Usher and forgetting that they were just mistaken for Chris Farley. Liquid courage makes these people forget that they have more rolls than a bakery and that tubes tops don’t look good on everyone. And yet they will go toe to toe with the hottest people for crowd attention. Sometimes the “I know I’m sexy” drunk really is sexy but because they are so drunk they diminish their hotness with their behavior. They tend to really over do dance moves, especially on a stage which is a lot smaller than what they see it as. Hot people don’t look that hot when they are falling off stripper poles or off the side of a stage. Whether they started the night a hottie or a “wanna be”, when these people reach the “I know I’m sexy” stage they can be laughed at all the same. " The Crier’s" are also usually women and they will seem perfectly happy and normal early in the evening but once they have had too much to drink they will begin to cry incessantly. This lady will babble incoherently through her tears and mimic signs of schizophrenia. After you’ve obtained some decent video footage of the break down to use for future torment, friends will generally try to reassure this sad drunk that no one is going to die, they will find love someday, or that they’re pretty and put them to bed so they can pass out. That is the most likely end to this drunks’ night for most criers, once in full swing of tears, can not pull out of it to enjoy the rest of the night. The “I laugh at everything” drunk is the most entertaining of all the drunks with these people laughing hysterically at anything. Break out the karaoke machine and your video recorder because you will get video gold with these idiots. The “I laugh at everything” drunk will believe that the people laughing at them are really laughing with them and will keep the fun going by doing crazy things. Once in front of their adoring fans they will sing out loud and off key. Being the life of the party means you can’t let your fans down so these drunks can be easily manipulated into dares such as eating or drinking anything put in front of them or streaking to the quad. These are the drunks that are most likely to wake up the following morning with a tattoo or a marriage certificate. The “I think I can dance” drunk can be found on the dance floor flailing their arms and legs showing off their “moves like Jagger” but looking like they are having a seizure. These drunks have a tendency to struggle with gravity falling off the furniture or just from a standing position and will laugh about it even if they are seriously injured. Like the “sexy” drunk they too will have the confidence to show everyone how they should be a choreographer to the stars when they really should be lying on the lawn counting stars. It could be quite dangerous dancing anywhere near these drunks because they are likely to pirouette out of control taking out everyone around them. The “quiet loner” drunks are no fun at all and the more they drink the quieter they become. The quiet drunk usually sits alone and will not initiate a conversation with anyone except the bar tender and their nights usually end going home quietly and alone. These people seem to enjoy crowded establishments when drinking verses the comfort of their home or dark alley in which to ponder the universe, or maybe they just need an alibi. The “one upper/expert” drunk is the person who has done everything and did it better than everyone else. Once a person tells a story about something they’ve done, this annoying drunk will quickly deflect attention from the person telling the story to how they did the same thing better just recently. To make themselves even more annoying they may even take this behavior to the next level by advising others on how to be as good as them or flat out criticizing people. This type of drunk can quickly get on people’s nerves and can alienate themselves from future outings. The “passed out” drunk is the person who starts the evening fast and furious with their drinking. They are the first to get drunk and the first to pass out, with some passing out while it is still light out. If this drunk passes out really early they may have a chance to wake up and start the process over again. Being the “passed out” drunk is one of the worst drunks you could be because you WILL become the victim of your other drunken friends shenanigans. This person will awaken with their face painted, tied or taped to something, moved to a strange location, sleeping with the family dog covered up in its stinky blanket, or will later see themselves in photos on Facebook detailing what their friends did to them while they slept. Once this drunk has passed out they are practically comatose and will probably not wake up no matter what is being done to them. Regardless of what they do to you, rest assured there will be pictures of it. Having a night out is something most adults look forward to despite the knowledge that they may humiliate themselves and a good time can get extreme when ones drinking go too far. In every case having some type of recording device will come in handy for future amusement or blackmail, cause let’s face it drunk people are funny. A designated driver, and in some cases a babysitter, is always recommended to ensure that a drunk doesn’t end their night out arrested or in someone’s death. No matter how much fun or how crazy a night can get it’s not worth a life.
