You deserved better than me.
I was not the friend you so desperately needed in your moment of darkness.
My anguish blinded me to your pain, though now I can see it so clearly.
You were three years younger than me, though that meant little.
I considered you a sister –
our souls were bonded like that of Anne and Diana.
(Or so I thought.)
However, the knife that was my tongue was too sharp, too well-kept in its art of causing pain.
I swear to you my intention was never to hurt!
But what are intentions if not excuses for being insensitive?
I've no defense that can ever legitimize my cruelty, and I never wish to have any.
Do you still think of me?
Do you hate me?
Surely you must.
I do not blame you; I hate me, too.
Being the villain in your story is a small price to pay for my sins.
Perhaps you use me as a cautionary tale.
Or, perhaps, you don't think of me at all.
I still remember That Day...
It is a day I will never forget:
7th of January 2015
Our principal stood at the podium during assembly to make an announcement. You were not at school that day, but I thought nothing of it. He cleared his throat, and the room fell silent.
"We got a call that one of our students, X, is in the hospital," he said. "The family has asked for privacy, but asks that you keep X in your prayers."
I felt the blood drain from my face and my heart fall to the floor; I was paralyzed. Grief and confusion overwhelmed me as my thoughts swarmed, trying to figure out why. Like a zombie, I walked to my next class, receiving a few questions about you, but I could only shrug and say, "I don't know, I don't know."
For an entire 7 days it was like that. I tried to visit you, but only family was allowed in the psychiatric ward. I still could not put the puzzle pieces together. Then I got the call: that you tried to take your own life. I collapsed on the floor and sobbed. I almost lost you, and didn't even know it.
I did not know how to behave, how to handle the pain. And I was angry, so very angry
at both you and myself.
Then I crossed the line, said something I shouldn't have;
we never spoke again.
I cannot imagine the pain I caused you, and I can never apologize enough.
While I doubt you will ever read this, on the slim chance you do, know that I will forever be plagued with shame.
I pray that you find happiness and friendship at long last.
