Kiss Or Miss - The Adventures Of Johnny Applebee

The Gun Of Fun - The Game Of Shame

Chapter 6-

~The Gun Of Fun - The Game Of Shame~

"You gonna be there, bro, or what?" I read on my iPhone as I sat down, slumped, in my one piece chair & desk, four rows into the classroom of my Algebra class. I didn't reply. Salem was asking me, in text, if I could meet him outside of school near the side entrance by his locker which was right next to the school cafeteria. It was already 2:13pm with only 17 minutes left for school to depart, yet, I felt as though I had just entered those cold, steel metal school doors, earlier that morning, at 7:30am. The day flew past me. I was in a daze. And, at that moment, I didn't feel anything, at all, except for... hollow. I felt empty, somehow. I felt used. Why? I don't know. I didn't feel like myself. That Monday afternoon, I had concluded that from that moment on, I would never be or feel like myself in the same way, anymore, ever again; and, I wasn't. That was just the reality.

As Mr. Duelberry continued his Algebra 1 lecture for us new coming freshman, I viewed Salem's text in my Iphone's notification strip on my lock screen. I was meticulous enough to hide behind the blonde kid in front of me. Charlie's body was my "shield" that I used in order to ensure that our teacher wouldn't see what I was doing on my phone. And, that's when I, finally, came to the realization as I blankly stared at his blonde locks of hair; I-I wasn't a virgin anymore.

I stared into nothing. I always did that when I was lost or didn't know what to do about something serious that I was currently going through. It was my way of "reflecting" on my current situation to try to figure things out for myself. Some people go for a walk. Some exercise. Some people smoke, drink, or do drugs. Some people spend money. Some even binge eat until they're stuffed to their face in order to numb their feelings or think things through as they do their little "habits". Me? I stare into nothing, shut down, & close off from the world & become quiet. I have nothing to say. Why would I? Even if I said anything, it wouldn't change the reality of my current predicament, anyway. So, I prefer to shield myself from society & the outer realms of this world & figure things out. It's just my personality, I guess. I'm not, exactly, the most outgoing person. I'm more artistic and intricate, I suppose. I'm not really shy, I would say. But, I'm certainly not a loud mouth & I'm sort of quiet sometimes I guess. I speak when I have to and I won't when I don't, especially, if I have something going on or when something is on my mind.

I bit my bottom lip, nervously, as I heard the teacher continue talking. Does having... sex with another boy technically count as not being a virgin anymore? I wasn't sure. It was not a question that I ever thought I would have to ask myself. I never, in my life, ever thought that I would have... gay sex with someone. EWWW. The thought of those words coming into my mind or going into my mouth to dare to speak them out loud made me cringe. And... the reality was, I was alone. I had no one to go to. Who could I possibly ask? No one. I established, after some long thought of 30 minutes in that class, that I'd have to look that up on the internet, for myself, either on my phone or on my mom's laptop, as awkward of a search as it would be for me to even to type those words.

As I sat there on my little hard chair, I couldn't help but feel exposed & gross. I just felt dirty, guilty, & disgusting. Not only did I just have gay sex at the age of 14, something that my family would all frown upon, but, it was with a boy that I had only known for ONE WEEK! ...Ughh! What's my problem? To me, as I sat there, it was like all eyes were on me & all of the other kids in my class around me were looking at me, somehow, knowing all of the lewd things that Salem & I were doing to each other last night in private.

I felt like... such a whore! It may seem mental, but, it seemed like they could all see me completely naked, somehow, while I just sat there as they all looked at me with disgust. I just wanted to hide myself from everyone so that they couldn't see my naked body & skin, anymore, as bare as the day that I was born & brought into this world. It was like they were watching all of the things that Salem had done to me & to the different parts of my body and were, all, either, shrieking in horror or pointing & laughing at us. I was like a plastic doll. At that moment, I had turned into a hollow, empty manikin with no soul. A little frown, involuntarily, curved onto my mouth as I thought that. I squirmed around in my chair & just started to hug myself as I hunched over a bit. I just wanted to leave.