Autumn

Chapter 1

"Please come down there" a police officer calls out for me - the sixth time now. "Nothing could ever be as stupid as killing yourself right here, right now" he starts.

"You don't know me. You don't now how it is to live a life so fucked up, you want to kill yourself. I've done much more fucked up things than killing myself. This" I gesture around me and glance at my feet. Standing on the edge makes me feel more alive as I could have ever imagined.

All I can see are tiny little people on the street on the opposite side, walking fast to get out of the rain.

"This is just another part of the game that is called life isn't it? I will die either way but if I die now, if i'll jump off that house, I won't have to be strangled any longer. Doesn't it make any sense to you?" I explain myself to someone who I know could never understand what I'm talking about. But you know what? I don't care!

"I fucking don't care!" I scream, my voice is full of spirit.

At this point they should know that they won't hold me back from jumping. Jumping directly into my death. I wonder what it feels like. What it feels like to die. Mentally I've died several times but I know this time it'll be different.

The prison cell that is my head will let me escape and the other annoying prisoners in my cell, which are the voices in the back of my head will disappear. I've been longing for this for so long now and here's the moment which can solve all my problems.

I make a little step closer to the edge. My shoes are completly soakingly wet, but I don't care. I won't have to care about anything or anyone anymore.

My head turns to the police officers, who are waiting for me to come back and think about my suicide attempt again but I won't. I turn my complete body to face them and see the relief in their eyes.

My wet brown long hair is blown around my face by the strong wind and I take a step back again. Every step brings me one step closer to death.

"Deep in your mind you hoped I wouldn'd come back didn't you? You don't want to take care of a psycho do you? You don't want to deal with a fucked up girl like me do you? It's nothing special. Nobody wants, you know? So I decided to do you and everybody around this world a favour" I say with a big smile. It's been the first real smile for a really long time.

With my arms spread to each side I whisper a 'Goodbye' into their shocked faces. I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and with a big smile on my face I feel myself fall.

Falling down from a 30 metre building.

And as I fall I make a joke of it all.

Of my life, my 'friends', my death, just everything that has happened in my life.

I want to feel myself crashing to the ground. I want to be able to describe the feeling how it feels when your bones are crashing to pieces. When the world, even if it is just for you, is falling to pieces.

I want to feel it.

"Autumn" I hear the quiet voice of my mum.

"Autumn!" it's getting louder.

No, this just can't be only a dream. I won't wake until I know how it feels. I won't wake until I know how it feels. I won't wake. I won't -

"Fuck!"