Autumn

Chapter 3

"I'm home!" I shout through our house as I remember that no one will answer me because I'm left alone with myself for the weekend.

If I would have told my friends about my mother not being at home, I know there would be a party going on here right now if I did. But I didn't tell them on purpose. I don't want to be around people when I have the choice to be alone for a bit of time.

I almost invited Nash and Claire to come with me to hang out but I decided against it.

They are my two best friends. Claire I know since kindergarten and Nash, well Nash is one of those friends you could do everything with. Most of the people think we're a couple but we're not. Once Claire said something about him having a crush on me but I didn't believe her because both of us know that we're made to be just best friends.

It's not like Nash and Claire are my only friends. I have tons. I mean there are a bunch of people who are just there and I know them but I'm not sure if you could call them my friends.

They just exist at the same time as I do and I got to know them but they aren't important to me.

I'd say they are just secondary characters in this stage play that others call 'life'.

People call me popular but I actually don't want to be popular. I actually don't want to be a main character. My biggest wish is to be one of those secondary characters. Someone who doesn't get noticed by other people. Sometimes I want to be invisible.

The worst thing when you're popular is that everyone pretends to care about you but when you need someone to talk to, I mean someone who gives you advice nobody's there anymore. They just care as long as they get to know secrets and as long as they can spread rumours. Nobody really cares.

I think you could describe life in a walk on a path. And if you don't have a direction in which you want to go, you'll get lost. And I think I got lost.

Lost in popularity.

You'll never know who is really your friend and who's just there to get as much information as possible.

The best thing in being home alone is that you can do everything you want to and nobody's there to say you can't.

My tummy reminds me that I'm hungry but I argue with myself about getting up and putting something in the microwave. The negative arguments win and i let myself fall into the big armchair. I just sit there for a while thinking about how it could get this far. I mean when did I become this depressed? When I think about it I don't even really know what makes me so depressed. It's just my whole life that makes my tired and exhausted. But maybe it's the depression itself that makes me tired.

I'm tired of missing people.

Tired of being alone.

Tired of feeling insane.

But sometimes I feel like nobody knows what's going on in my head. It's like my mind is going crazy and it gets really hard to pretend everything's okay. There are times I wish I could escape my mind for a while and just think about nothing. Nothing at all. Just laying on the ground and turn my mind off.

Is it even possible to think about nothing? I mean when I think about it then nothing is like having a white wall on your mind but I know me too well. After a bit of time I would ask myself questions about the colour white.

How would nothing looks like?

Although I decided against it and I swear I'm slapping myself in the face after I did it but I get up and eat an apple. I just can't resist when I'm near food.

Even though I said I like it to be alone I have to get other thoughts into my mind.

I think about it very long but in the end I take my my phone and text him.

Nash? You here?

Yeah?

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing... Why?

Do you want to come over?

I hate it when I can see that the person on the other end read my mesage but doesn't reply. He never takes long to answer my questions. What's wrong? It takes him so long to answer that I almost think it was a stupid idea.

You don't have to, you know? Just thought we could make a movie night. But if you have other things to do just say it

Read 10:05 pm

With my fingers I drum impatiantly on the wooden surface of the kitchen table.

Sure. I'll be there in like 15 minutes. Please not Gossip Girl again Autumn, plase.

I'll find something else. I promise!