Soulmates

Matt B. and I were born on the same day, in the same hospital only minutes apart, to two different sets of parents. 

My parents room was only a door away from Matt B.'s. Mama told me I cried and cried, only going quiet when Mrs. B. walked by holding him in her arms. Matt B. told me his mom said the same.

Our parents became fast friends. So did Matt and me. Our houses were close enough together that there was not a day we did not spend with each other. Sometimes we would spend the nights too. While we were still so little no one would complain. 

Sometimes we would after that. Sneaking out after our parents went to sleep. Sneaking back before they woke us up for school. 

It was me that Matt B. Came to first when the kids at school made fun of the soft way he spoke. It was me who knocked them down in the school yard when they teased him. It was me who stood up to his daddy. All the fire in my veins directed at one man when that man said little boys shouldn't make daisy chains. I told his daddy that Matt made the best chains and if anyone didn't like it they could go through me. I was six. His daddy never said a thing like that with me around again.

When daddy left us, on the bullet train, mama told me, it was Matt B.'s shoulder I cried on. As Mama's drinking got worse, and I was left to manage the house and my little sister Susie, I would sneak out more and more, not even to Matt B.'s but he would find me. And he would stay with me. We were right then.

When we were nine, the kids made fun of us both. For Matt being soft spoken and kind. For my daddy being gone and my mama being drunk. For the fact we were always together.

"Matt an' Ellie sittin' in a tree" they would call.

One of those days, when I'd barely gotten Susie to kindergarten and mama hadn't left her room for almost a week, they teased us. I was ready to fight. To take them all down. Ready to get kicked outta school cause I had too much to do at home anyway. Matt grabbed my hand just then. And it was the first time either of us would say what he said.

"Me and Ellie is soulmates. We were born for each other. If all you got to make fun of us is that than you ain't got nothin'" Matt said.

His looked at each one of those mean kids in the eye and he pulled me away by the hand. It was probably the first time I knew I loved Matt B. 

Later I would go into Mama's room with Susie. I would climb into her bed with her. She would hold us both while she cried. When she stopped, I would tell her me and Matt B. were soul mates. That he would take care of me, and I would take care of sue, so mama only needed to get better.

Later Matt B. Would go home and tell his parents that mama needed help.

With mere days mama would dump all her booze and start coming out of her room. If she leaned on me a little extra some days I didn't mind. Mama had lost her soulmate I think, when Daddy left. 

Things got better for me.

I knew about Matt's crush before he did. It was around the time he asked to be called Matt B. Even when there were no other Matt's around. Made him feel distinguished, he would say. I would laugh, but agree anyway. There was a new boy in our school. Mean as dirt, but rich enough noone cared. Noone but me. Matt B. Had pleaded with me, one day after the boy had shoved him around and called him bad names. Pleaded I don't do what I did when people were mean to him. That it was all just a joke. And that they were friends really. 

I knew then that Matt B. Liked the boy. I waited a few days for him to tell me, then I confronted him.

"Matt B. Why ain't you told me yet you got a crush on the mean boy?" I asked in his room when we were doing homework. 

He bolted off his bed darting to his window to make sure his daddy wasn't home yet. Then he closed his door. 

"I don't like no boy! I ain't no fag Ella May!" He whisper yelled at me.

We were eleven then. Old enough to hear those words around school. Old enough to have an idea what they meant. 

"Ellie," I corrected immediately. Like he didn't already know. "I don't know why you don't think you can tell me. We're soulmates." I put my hand on his arm. Trying to tell him through touch what I didn't yet have the words for. 

"Yeah." He said. Grasping my hand. "We're soulmates. That means we're in love." He nodded. Then kissed me on my mouth. 

I pushed him back. Tacking a few steps away. "If you don't wanna admit it fine. I'll be around if you do. But don't you ever do that again." I turned and left after that.

Mama was surprised to see me home so early. She paused in her pleating of Susie's hair to look at me. 

"Ellie? What's wrong sweet-girl," she asked in that soft mom voice. One that broke me whenever I heard it.

"Can you still love someone you don't like?" I asked. 

"What do you mean?"

"Like. You love Susie and me. But you don't have a crush on us. That would be weird. Can you have that with someone that ain't family?"

Mama smiled then. She motioned for me to sit next to her while she continued to braid Susie's hair. I sat down. For a while mama did not speak. When she did it was not an answer.

"Is it you or Matt B. who decided you were in love." She asked. 

"Matt B. Says because we're soulmates it means we're in love. But I don't think that at all. In fact, I think Matt B. likes the Mean Boy!" I blurted. Then covered my mouth. I knew that in a small town like ours not everyone was okay with boys liking boys. I was not sure where mama stood on the issue. 

I watched her with wide scared eyes, waiting on her next move. 

She nodded thoughtfully. "I think that he is not ready for that part of himself. I think by the way you were trying to keep that part a secret you know why. This might not be something you are going to understand Ellie bean. sometimes there's truths about ourselves not even we are ready to face." Mama looked off then, eyes sad. Then she patted Susie's braid and said, "wash up and have your sister help set the table. We'll order pizza tonight."

I nodded heading Susie to the bathroom before stopping. "Mama? You ain't going to tell anyone about Matt are you? Not even his parents?"

"No Ellie-bean. It's not my place. But you let Matt know if he needs to talk I'll be here."

Matt B. did not speak to me for three days after that. I did not force him to. I watched him close though. I made sure to be around, but out of the way. It had the added benefit of keeping the mean boy a little less mean. I was the tallest girl in my class and I had a reputation. Mean boys knew better than to be mean with me around.

At the beginning of the fourth day, Matt B. Looped his arm through mine like he always had. We did not talk about mean boys or our fight. We did not talk about anything more than what we usually talked about. 

Matt B never officially came out to me. He just started telling me about the boys he liked.